Big break-up

[Shady Babi Luv]

If anyone payed attention to all my previous sex posts, this is about that same guy, Steven.
Well, after many violent fights, we decided to break it off. During our last fight he got so violent and abusive that I just can't go back to him. He shoved me around, screamed at me, bruised my arm and threw my stuff outside. I never seen such anger in hs eyes before.
We've been together for one, long, turbulent year, and I just don't know what to do without him. I really loved him and now I'm all alone.
And to make things worst, he's fine with the break-up. I hear he's going to parties and trying to hook up with girls. My pride makes me suck up my emotions at school and make it seem to everyone like I don't care, but god, I care so much. His friend told me the details of the party, and I just felt my heart sink into my stomach. I never felt this hurt before. And I fear it's going to get even worst before I start to see the silver lining.
So, I really need advice on how to deal with these overwhelming emotions I am feeling about our break-up. I mean, I have friends to talk to, but I don't want to vent on them TOO much, cause they have their own lives too and I just don't want to bore them. Me and my girls don't really chill much on the weekends, it was always just me and Steven. Now it's just me, all alone. I feel so lonely.

I also have the crazy urge to text him, or stop by his house since he lives really close to me. He told me I'm too clingy, and shit. So, should I avoid contact with him? Should I forget about us and move on? If so, how? How do you guys deal with break-ups?

I'm so sad, and lost, and confused... I'm so heartbroken

[toddod]

Completely ignore him. You might have loved him and still love him, but he doesn't anymore i'm assuming and you are better off now without him. If you start texting him and stuff it's a sign of weakness. He's probably taking the breakup hard at least a little bit, he might just be hiding it behind all the partying. So, overall, ignore him. Just remember how he treated you.

[Sic]

Natalia -- I didn't read your previous posts about you and Steven. My account here is really new, so I can only give advice on what I've gathered from this post.

In my opinion, this break-up was a blessing in disguise for you. To start at the beginning, it's more than natural to feel lost without someone who's been a huge part of your life and routine for so long. This is a major upset in everything that you considered "normal", be it good or bad.

It seems to me that people who are in abusive relationships (and are the ones getting abused) usually come out much worse off than the abuser. Even though the relationship sounds like it was very unhealthy, you grew completely attached to him. You became dependent on him. That's why you feel so lost and alone without him. Abusive relationships are not founded as much on love as they are on dependency. I think it's important that you find the distinction and appreciate that your relationship with him may have been founded more on dependency than on love.

Also, he's not fine with the break-up, unless he was never involved anyway. That's just how guys get over things. There was a quote in the movie, Love and Sex, that basically said that in order to get over women, guys go get more women, but they don't actually fall in love. It's just rebounding. That's what he's doing. He has not forgotten nor stopped caring about you. He's just trying to move on, and you should too.

Do NOT try to find out what he's doing in his free time. Some people become very reclusive after a break-up and others become extremely social. If you're more reclusive and he's more social, it's going to make you feel even worse and more vulnerable and it says nothing about the relationship you had with him. To reiterate that point, people show that they're hurting in very different ways. His way of saying "I feel like shit" might be to HIDE how he feels and go get as many new girls as he can and try to convince himself in to thinking he's far better off without you. You on the other hand, are more sensitive and show that you feel like shit...well...by feeling like shit. It doesn't mean that he didn't care about you. Hell, it doesn't even mean he's a stronger person than you. All it means is that he's hurting too and that's how he knows how to cope.

I know you've heard it from everyone, but time is going to be the only way to really get over it. There's no herbal remedy to a broken heart, otherwise break-ups would be super easy. You just need to give yourself a few days to be sad and to begin to collect yourself. Then you need to surround yourselves with your friends and be active. Even if you aren't with all your girlfriends except on weekends, maybe you could just hang out with one or two every other day after school or something. It doesn't need to be anything spectacular, just take your mind off Steven.

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Do NOT text him. Do NOT go see him. You will regret it. You know that this was for the best and that you deserve to be with someone who will not mistreat you. You need to have faith that you're better off without him and you are.

Originally Posted by Shady Babi Luv

should I avoid contact with him?

Yes.

Originally Posted by Shady Babi Luv

Should I forget about us and move on?

Move on, but don't forget.

You need to be able to look at the past year as it is. Good or bad. You can't simply forget about an entire year of your life, and the most serious relationship you've had in your life up to this point. You need to be able to take away from this in a positive way. What aspects of this relationship worked? What didn't? How can you avoid running in to these same mistakes in your next relationship? Are there certain characteristics in men that you should try to avoid?

Ask yourselves these questions in a few days/weeks/months. Whenever all this has settled down and you've regained your foothold and fallen back in to a new, comfortable routine. If you're honest with yourself (and I know it's super hard to do...it's much easier said than done, I realize that), you'll find yourself agreeing that this was for the best.

I know it's hard, and that you're sad. And it's going to be hard, and you're going to be sad. Then, over time, without realizing it, you'll be happy. You'll be happier and stronger and better.

I don't mean any offense in this, only support. While reading your post, I found myself saying, "Good" when you said that it had finally ended. I tell you now, if you were a close friend of mine or a family member and you came home with bruises from your boyfriend, I'd be on my way to his place to kick the shit out of him.

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Now you need to remember this next bit for now and for the rest of your life. If you EVER find yourself in a relationship in which you are being abused or mistreated, you get out of it. I don't care if you've been together for 3 years and "he's been super stressed from work and he didn't MEAN to hit me". If a boyfriend of yours EVER lays a hand on you, you get out right then and don't look back because you just saved your own life.



** Sorry for the huge response, but there was a lot to cover. I hope this holds some meaning for you.

-Sic

[Elysium]

Sic is amazing. He's the new Sole. Listen to him

[Sic]

Originally Posted by Elysium

Sic is amazing. He's the new Sole. Listen to him

Thanks man. Sole is a tough act to follow.

I enjoyed writing that last one because it actually felt important. I think I still need to master the art of bullet points until I can truly be like Sole.

[Shady Babi Luv]

Okay. Well tell me if he's toying with me:

He comes up to me in the hall today, and hugs me and tells me he's sorry for being so hard on me. I, of course, start tearing up, and walk away. He asks me to text him. I do, saying "I feel bad about ect ect." No reply. I text him in a bit "?" No reply.

DId he just ask me to text him because he knew I would? Is he fucking with me? And my emotions? I don't understand it... And, from what I know, he goes and tells all his friends that I'm clingy.

[andrew lucas]

hmm.. try callin him :p

anddddd id just get your feelings straight with him tell him he has a decision he either wants you or he doesn't and if he sais yeah great. if he doesn't life sucks sometimes.. you'll live though

hopefully it works out for the best though, which idk could be either one since you said he was abusive..if he touched you or hit you..he honestly deserves to get his face smashed right the fuck in and id just leave him if i were you to be honest

[Sic]

I still stand by my opinion that you should move on. If you can't help yourself, though, he's probably not toying with you. Is he generally very quick to reply to texts? Maybe he was busy with something, ya never know.

Texting is not a terribly reliable form of communication. Don't call him. If he's so sorry, let him come to you. I think at this point, after hurting you both physically and emotionally, he needs to earn you back.

[embaressed]

if some one loves u then they want to be with and shit and dont care if ur clingy and not only that his bigger and stronger he shouldn't every lay a harmful hand on u cuz that means he'll do it again and u don't want an ass beating erveytime his pissed at u ur better than that every human deseveres that

[Shady Babi Luv]

Thanks for all the, uh, essay on my break-up Sic. It actually did help. It's been a few weeks now, and although I'm pretty much always sad, I'm no longer crying and I find myself laughing more often. That is a real improvement. And I know it really was for the better. After watching the Tyra Banks show about Deadly Teen Dating, I am really happy I got out now before it was too late. I only wish I'd known sooner about his ... habits...

[Kyle is so kool]

Its nice that you learned a lesson. Don't go back to people who are so abusive and hurtful. just look at rihanna, she learned too