18 and forced back in the closet

[Ptrick91]

Hey, this is my first post here in about 4 years!

Well I figured out I was gay about 4 years ago, and have had several long term bfs since. Well About a year and a half ago I came out to my parents. My dad was not pleased but was not ashamed or angry about it, he wanted me to be happy. But my mom was totally against it and for the next couple weeks acted crazy and said things like she regretted having me (her only child), and I wasnt allowed to have any contact with my boyfriend (which became a reality). She even told me that when I was little she sent me to several therapists and camps that were supposed to keep me from being gay. Even though I assured her that I was the same person and wanted to go to college and be successful, she told me that I had to choose to "try and be straight" or to leave after high school with no job, no car, no money, no food, no college, no home. My dad just said to try because I had so much to loose and he did not have the money in the fam. So I have been forced back into the closet with a fake girlfriend for almost to years. All of my friends know and I have a great boyfriend who I can barely see in order to keep up the lie. I got in a big car crash where my car was totalled and it was my fault, I called her shaken up, devistated that I hurt her car and my future grad. gift. She said " I forgive you if you are straight."

When my last boyfriend was kicked out for the same reason, I litterally had to support him and find him a job and a place to live and pay his rent, all without my parents knowing. I even slept in the homeless shelter with him some nights because he was so sad..... Well this is a side note but it turned out he was using me for 17 months and took off with thousands of my hard earned dollars. This hurt, but not as much as the lies I have to tell my parents EVERY SINGLE DAY. It kills me every lie, but I dont know what to do.

I thought it would get easier, but it hasent, it gets worse. I am living at home while I go to college for the next 2 years, so I have to see them all the time. I tell them at least 10 lies a day, I have to. The funny thing is that I used to lie to make my mom happy, so that she thinks she has the perfect son she's always wanted, not out of weakness or greed or evasion. I want to give her the happieness she gave me as a child. But I dont know how much longer I can.

Please any advice you can give, or even email me. I need it, I feel like I am on the edge of a breakdown.

Thanks you guys!
-Ptrick91

[Dolphus Raymond]

Hi Patrick -- I'm going to move this to a forum where I think you should get some more support. Good luck!

[Mr.Scientist]

Patrick,

I know exactly how you feel because I have been in your place before and I can tell you from experience of my own that it does suck not being able to let your parents know who you really are. It sounds as if you had some good opportunities in the past because you were dating for the longest time and had the opportunity to tell your parents even though you had no idea they reacted badly of your decision to tell them the truth.

I can tell you from my own experience that when parents tell you they are going to support you through thick and thin because they believe in you and you tell them something that they often do not care to hear, things usually end fairly badly damaged. The same thing happened to myself when I tried to tell my own parents so I was also forced back into the closet. It's not an easy road because for the time being you are being required to live as if nothing happened and that you are perfectly according to your parent's definition of the word.

The best advice I can give to you is to stay in the closet. It's okay to have a boyfriend or be dating someone that you like as long as you can keep it under wraps, but as far as your situation goes, you ought to just play it out. You seem to be semi- well off at the moment because you are going to college(I also assume full-time), your parents would be willing to help you get a new car, and they are also willing to give you free room and board. Basically you have everything you could ever need at the moment and more because your parents trully want to see you succeed deep down. Given all that, it is best to just lie low for the time being. It may take you 2 years to complete your vision, it may take you 5 years to complete it. No matter how long it takes to finish your education and save up enough resources to be out on your own, persist in staying put and in time you will have a better situation. It will only be a matter of time before you become independent and are able to do as you wish.

[DoBesh]

It's tough, because I would advice you to leave your parents and start your own life, but that's kinda impossible if you need them so much. It just doesn't sound like a good idea to me to stay in the closet, it's your life and your parents have to accept that. You can lie to your parents for the sake of getting a car and a good job, but I doubt it will make you any happier.

I don't have experience with it though, so I fail to fully understand the situation.

[Mr.Scientist]

Originally Posted by DoBesh

It's tough, because I would advice you to leave your parents and start your own life, but that's kinda impossible if you need them so much. It just doesn't sound like a good idea to me to stay in the closet, it's your life and your parents have to accept that. You can lie to your parents for the sake of getting a car and a good job, but I doubt it will make you any happier.

I don't have experience with it though, so I fail to fully understand the situation.

The American Psychological Association recommends that people always follow some guidelines before coming out. Financial ability is on the list as being perceived important for coming out. If one does not have finanicial ability to support themselves, they advise that coming out is not the best idea.

[Luke]

This will be the first time in over 5 years of me being on this site that I've ever said this: Stay in the closet.

I'm normally dead against being in the closet, but it's clear in this situation it is in your best interests. Knuckle down with work, get some money together for yourself, get through school, keep your head down, focus on just getting through this year, and not pissing off your parents, and then when you get to college you can live whatever lifestyle you want with all the boyfriends you like, and your parents will be none-the-wiser. Deception hurts, but if the alternative is for you college education to become impossible, I think it's the lesser of two evils in this case.

[Neverender]

I strongly dislike your mother. And while inside I would probably have feelings of wanting to spite her by living how I wanted, my logical mind would tell me to put this to rest for a while and just do what you gotta do to survive and thrive. Sexuality is one big and very important part of who you are, but nevertheless it is only one thing. In the meantime your life can go on and you can be happy. You just have to focus your attention on other things until you are no longer at the behest of your mother.

Of course, none of this would even be a problem if people would be reasonable. You don't have to agree, but to psychologically torture someone is just nonsense and very unloving at that.

Good fortunes, and just think, school will be easier to focus on because you won't be pursuing relationships. Look at the positives.

[And?]

Originally Posted by Neverender

Look at the positives.

Not only this, but you've got to think long-term. What you have here is a classic situation: years of depression and anxiety, deceit and subversion, manipulation, bribery, etc.; and, have you looked at yourself recently? From everything I've read you seem fucking incredibly strong. Much, much, much stronger than anyone here can claim to be, I bet. So I should first give you my congratulations on that, you should be extremely proud of how you have coped and dealt with this situation.

Getting back to the long-term 'plan': it seems stupid to put yourself last in a plan to improve your life, no? It's not, however, when you realise that a few more years of living under this authority - blind subservience, basically - and you will be so much better off for it. This is not the time to quit and run away. You've suffered for years, and you need to suck up a few more. If you leave now you risk estranging yourself from the family that doesn't treat you like crap (your dad, for instance), and that is something you presumably don't want? Not only that, but I can't imagine you're yet financially or educationally independent. These are crucial to coming out and then being content with yourself.

Anyone can come out at any time. Those people will regret it. It is the people that think things through before doing them that often get the best results. If you wait until you have completed college (could you not go away for this?) then you will be able to find work and move out. This won't mean a severing of familial ties, but you will be able to live a life as you want, not under this tyranny (for that is what it is).

The short-term problems that you are experiencing now do not equate to the long-term happiness you will gain when you have become what you are under a situation of your own creation.

I want to give her the happiness she gave me as a child.

This is the sweetest thing I've heard in a long time, and it is important for you, too! As the years progress, however, you must start living for yourself and you must become who you are and want to be. It is not for you to try to 'make' her happy. Clichéd and cheesy as it is, your very existence should do that for her. If it does not, that is not your fault.

Patrick, we can advise and advise and advise, but we cannot tell you what is best for you. We can hope, etc., but only you know which actions will bring the most positive reactions. If you continue like this until you can distance yourself and be happy, then you will have achieved the impossible. It is the most difficult things in life which make us into who we truly are (I firmly believe this). Whilst sexuality is important (?) to who you are, the only reason that is true in your case is because your mum treats it as such. If you start to treat sexuality as just another feature of your personality or looks - like having blue eyes - then you might not feel so confined. You have your whole life in which to explore your sexuality. Not everything needs be now, now, now.

As insane as it sounds, make this situation yours. Learn how to cope under pressure, learn parenting skills (I think they'd call this 'an opposite'), learn how to deal with different elements. Get your parents to teach you all there is to know about surviving in the real world; the worst thing that could happen is that you come out, get kicked out, and then end up fucked. Failing to prepare, is preparing to fail, etc..

Anyway. I'm rambling now.

tl;dr:

1) Don't come out yet. Become independent.
2) You're an incredible person for coping for so long.
3) Think what will make you happy in the long-term.

Oh god, it's true; sometimes I can't shut-up. SORRY GUYS. OMG IMSRSLY.

[Zomm]

Originally Posted by Ubiquitous

1) Don't come out yet. Become independent.
2) You're an incredible person for coping for so long.
3) Think what will make you happy in the long-term.

I second this.

In addition, all I can say is get through college and pack up and leave (I would never look back). You deserve to live your life. I think it's your mother that needs help.

[LifeOnMars]

I agree with everything that everyone has said, but here is my own piece of advice:

Dont turn your back on your family. Even if they turn your back on you. When you do (after you are in a good position) come out to them, they may not be okay with it. Give it time. It may never happen, but it may happen when your family accepts you. They are the only one you have, remember. You have a hard jouney, but you will be much wiser and stronger from it. I hope you do well, good luck.

[failed_attempt]

Unfortunaly being gay isn't always as cheerful and the connotation of the word represents. It's sort of ironic that we even call homosexuals gay because a lot of us can be quite miserable.

Anyway, your situation makes me angry because you mother is being extremely unreasonable and irrational and closeminded. I know she's your mother but it's the truth and I'm sorry if this offends you. I can't believe how much that must hurt you; it hurt me greatly when my mother denied my sexuality but that is all that really happened so far. You are almost there though. It's hard but for right now I think your only strategy is to keep eveything as smooth as possible until you are fine on your own, then you can do whatever the hell you want to. You have my support...