Tired.

[custodis]

[sorry for the wall of text, but if you actually take the time to read it, it'd mean a lot]



I'm so tired.


I'm tired of pretending to be something i'm not. I'm tired of going about life trying to be happy, trying to suceed, and trying to be a better person. I feel nothing other than self-loathing, disapointment, and regret.


I'm currently in the hospital, as i've stated in other threads. However, since i've been here no ones come to visit me. Which is fine and all, I need to get better. I should be resting. But no one other than my mum has called, and all she did was bitch me out. I feel completely alone.


I've systematically destroyed all of my relationships, friendships or otherwise. I really don't try to, but due to the fact that none of my relationships ever work out or last. My father refuses to speak to me, and has refused to speak to me for the past 5 months. I don't know what i've done to him. But since he won't talk to me, I can't see my baby brothers. They're too little for me to call them directly (Jakob is 5 and Zach is 3) and my dad certainly isn't going to hand them the phone. I miss them so much, and feel horrible because I know that they don't understand why i'm not there with them anymore. Furthermore, I have two close real friends, and they've also both stopped talking to me. My best friend stopped talking to me back in July, and a female friend also refuses to communicate with me. I didn't realize that I'd done anything that warranted such behaviour from everyone around me. I don't really know anyway else well enough to talk to them, or anything like that. I'm reduced to talking/venting to people on an online forum, and while you guys are great and all... you're not exactly here.


Admittedly, I have horrible social skills. Up until a few years ago it was hard for me to really connect or do anything with other people at all, as I was sick 24/7. I wasn't diagnosed with CF until I was 14, which is extremely late. I was very symptomatic, and didn't want to be around people because I was in pain, sick, and bitter. Instead of people believing I was actually physically sick, my illness was attributed to stress. Or me acting out for attention because I wasn't getting enough of it from home, or something along those lines. So naturally, as all kids like that are, I was drowned in behavioural medications from a very young age.


Sidebar, I used to be fucking smart. I mean, precocious, above average smart. But ever since these fucking horrible doctors started drowning me in psych medications, I've been unable to think the way I used to. Or remember things for the most part. I'm not making excuses for myself or anything, but I know growing up in a fucking chemical stew turned me onto drugs, and to popping whatever pill I can get my hand on. I realize that I still choose to do it, but I know that constantly being on something has led to some of my behaviours.


The past year or so has been the worst. This time last year I was healthy. I don't mean exactly normal, but for a depressed CF patient, I was in amazing shape. My lungs were better than average for normal people, and I was excellent physical shape. Emotionally, I was still way subpar, but I was managing for the most part. Since I still wasn't exactly feeling great, my psychiatrist wanted to try me on some new medication, Cymbalta. I must have reacted horribly to it, because one month after I started on it (this was the end of January), I was hospitalized. My liver enzymes were extremely high, my blood pressure was going insane (dropping than skyrocketing), my temperature was completely unregulated, all of my muscles were locked up. From being in the hospital in that state, my lungs worsened from being surrounded by kids with lung infections, and from my lack of mobility at the time. My weight dropped 25 lbs, and i've never been able to get it back up. My lungs have never actually recovered, plunging from performing 131% of predicted on my pulmonary function tests, to 82% of predicted. Ever since then, i've been plagued by intermittant fevers, constant headaches and frequent migraines. (I had the migraines and headaches before, but they've worsened since). I have no energy whatsoever. I didn't have much before, but I was able to be active and push through it. Now, there's nothing. Getting out of bed in the morning is an accomplishment. I've stopped taking all my anti-depressants with the exception of Remeron and Amitriptyline. Neither were originally prescribed to deal with my depression, but for my insomnia and headaches (respectively). I do still take clonazepam daily to help with my anxiety. Naturally my doctor's think all these new symptoms are a direct result of my depression. Which is a valid opinion. Swollen lymph nodes, however, generally don't indicate a psychological disorder. They'd pigeonholed me as an insane desperate kid before, and proven themselves to be wrong. I'm really upset that it feels like they're making the same mistake again. Clearly it's all an elaborate hoax to miss a few weeks of class and isolate myself further from the rest of the world.


I've tried pretending to be okay, setting myself up in a routine and hoping to lock myself into. Become a creature of habit, an automaton if you will. But I can't, it's just not working at this point. My drinking has increased tenfold, and if you'd like, I can include some pictures to demonstrate how pathetic is, such as the number of bottles I have stashed about my room. It's bad. And with the other things i'm taking, it's seriously destroying my life. I know that part of what's going on with my current friendships has to do with this. But I can't help it. I don't want to have to pop a pill in order to be okay, but right now I really don't see any other options. I'm tired of being miserable and unhappy. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel that I have no reason to live, and nothing to look forward to. I'm not going to try to kill myself, at least not at this junction, as it's proven to be wholly ineffective in the past. I've ODed on a bottle of adderall, an on a seperate time slashed open my arm. This is why i'm really annoyed with people who enjoy cutting and taking pictures and posting it on various websites throughout the net. If you'll notice, I keep my left arm rather discreet when I take pictures, and I feel that you should at least do the same. It feels like you're turning what i'm going through, and the fact that I nearly died (I had to be resuscitated) into some kind a joke. It's not funny. Being unhappy isn't fashionable.


I don't know what to go about doing. I don't know how to repair the relationships in my life, or if I should even attempt to. I don't know how to go about trying to form new relationships in my life. I've been to countless different types of therapy, and been on literally every class of anti-depressant available in the US. Nothing has worked. I don't know where else to go, or who else to turn to. So i'm asking for your opinion on what I should do. Please be honest in whatever you say, I can handle getting flamed or anything that effect.

[tucker!]

I've never been in such a situation as yours, and probably not many others on Gov have either. So to say that I could give you advice that was anything but simplistic and general would be a lie. I'm trying to comprehend all that I've just read. To be completely honest, if I were in your situation I would probably have killed myself already. I wholeheartedly admire your strength and perseverance.
The only advice I can give you is to hang on to that perseverance. Keep going as best as you can, and hang in there, please. I know it doesn't mean much, but if anything were to happen to you we here at Gov would all miss you dearly. I know the future looks bleak, but if you can find an ounce of hope, hang onto it for your life.

[Bobby B]

I'm not sure what to say but be strong. You're an amazing guy and just try to get through it. I know you'll get better. You're father hopefully will get over what ever got him upset. My dad has gone through fits where he won't talk to anyone for a few weeks. just let him be and prey. Try and keep in touch with your younger siblings, send them birthday cards and when they're older get in touch with them. Hopefully things will mend up by then, but if not internet will be the way to contact them. Like I said stay strong, you described a very powerful person and will beat this hell of a disease. You may not be as smart as you once were, I've always noticed you were incredibly smart, keep in mind I didn't know you before you and CF. If you're this smart, you would have scared me pre-cystic fibrosis with your intelligence. Try and avoid the alcohol, you and I both know that's not good for you. Try and surrond yourself with friends that care for you. Let them know how you feel and to just bear with you if you're acting abnormally (if that caused your other friends to leave), but I don't think you act abnormal, asinine, or anything that would cause me to not want to talk to you. Just stay strong my friend. I'm here for you.

[redraider]

Hi Covey,

I have had many of the feelings that you express. I have a type of ALS/Lou Gehrig's Disease (similar to Stephen Hawking, the physicist- but not nearly as far along) I will eventually lose control of all muscles except my eyes. So- my words are not words of sympathy, but are words of empathy. You are right, life sucks some days for those of us with these diseases. It is hard to look at friends enjoying everything without getting angry, and sometimes that anger hurts the ones we love.

How do I deal w the anger? I have a 4X8 sheet of plywood on my bedroom wall. The letters ALS are painted on it. When I get pissed at the disease, I have a paintball gun, and I fire a few shots at the ALS board. It makes me feel better, looks pretty cool (lotsa colors!) and keeps me from yelling at my family. Hey, it may seem silly, but it works for me!

I understand your frustrations w meds, docs, therapies, limits, mucous, friends, etc. If you want to compare hospital/disease stories, or just piss & moan, PM me. This is the only life we get, so we gotta make the most of it.

take care, & keep on coughing & spitting (though I know you are tired of it)
red