feelings for a straight guy [experience]

[15maleGAY]

Hey guys, wow - My nickname is 15maleGAY which means I made that account 3 to 4 years ago. Didn't think it was that long. Well anyway I'm not exactly sure why I feel like I should post this but I use to come on here quite often and ask you all what I should do about falling for my best friend who happened to be straight and most of you told me that I should just drop it and move on because I would definitely lose him.

I figured I'd like to share my experience of what happened with him and the whole situation. Maybe it will somehow help out a guy here [or girl maybe] that is in the same situation that I was. By the way this may or may not get a bit confusing because both him and myself have the same name which is Nick. Hopefully I don't confuse you guys =]

I got told so many times by so many people that falling in love with a straight guy was a giant mistake. I knew myself that I shouldn't have let it happen. I hoped so much though that he was gay. I convinced myself he was. I sometimes found myself making deals with god, something I don't believe in. he was my best friend and for two years I had been in love with him without him knowing. do you know how hard it is to be so insanely close with someone - so close that you know every single detail about them and their life yet you want to know them so much more but you know you can't?

Nick meant more to me than anyone, more than my whole family. I gave up every friend I had just to be closer to him. I saw him every day at school and every night at gym. he became my life. I didn't care about school or studying or my future.. all I cared about was him.

He seemed so lost and confused. he told me he didn't think he felt emotions. he was one of those people that no matter how much you know about them you just can't figure them out. I wanted to be the person that would figure him out.

I tried so many times to tell him how I felt. he knew I was deeply in love with someone and he knew I had something to tell him but he never put two and two together. we would sit in his car out the front of my house every night after gym. I'd hold his arm to keep warm. he didn't mind. I tried so hard to get the words out every night. he tried so hard to get me to open up and tell him what I needed to. I could never bring myself to say it. every night we would argue because he thought I didn't trust him. I tried so hard to explain to him how complex the situation was. how I wanted to so badly tell him but literally couldn't get it out. he'd end up telling me to just go home and he'd drive off from my house and I'd sit there in my room wishing so hard that things would just work out. wishing gets you nowhere.

I would come to some people online for help on what to do and they each told me that they had experienced falling for a straight guy before and it never turns out pretty. they told me to drop it and not tell him how I felt. it was either have my best friend and not have him know how I felt or simply loose him.

Towards the end of my last school year things between him and I were slowly diminishing. I didn't see him as often and he stopped replying to my messages. He was slowly catching on to how I felt and wasn't reacting well to it. I admit I did start to smother him due to the fact that I had just never felt this way about anyone in my life.

It all became too much for me one day. I called him and asked him to meet me at the park because I had something very important to tell him. He said he wasn't allowed out and had to study for exams but that I could talk to him after gym that night. We went to the gym and he noticed how nervous I was. I knew I was going to tell him that night. there was no choking on my words. I came out to my best female friend moments before so I knew how to say it and I knew that I actually would be able to say it.

The whole drive home I nervously explained to him that what I was going to tell him was very big and that he may not like what I had to say. I told him I was so sorry for lying to him for so long. I made him promise me that he wouldn't react badly.

We got closer to my house and I told him to park a street away from my house. My parents bedroom is at the front of my house and i didn't want to take my chances at them hearing.

We sat there in his car in silence for about 5 minutes. I was just watching him. I started again to explain that I didn't choose for this to happen and I was sorry but I just needed to tell him because it was eating me.

He looked at me and said okay. I began to go through my speech of how to tell him in my head. I started to speak and the words that came out were:

"Nick.. look umm, you know how I've been in love with someone.."

He looked at me and said "is it me?" I froze a bit and nodded. he smiled and let out a small laugh and said "ok." for about ten minutes we sat there in silence. I wanted to throw up. I didn't know what to think. He didn't move back, he didn't look shocked. If anything he had a smile on. But he said "ok".. What does ok mean? All I could do was sit there with my stomach in my throat waiting for him to say something.

After a long silence he finally said "I'm not gay." and I said okay. Then he started to ask me some questions about it. Some stuff was innapropriate; I guess the seriousness of what I had just said to him might have been too much for him so he tried to make a bit of a joke out of it. He said to me "does that mean you want to touch me or kiss me even?" and I replied with "it would be nice to but don't be afraid that I'm just going to jump you.. It's been two years that I've felt like this about you and so far I don't think I've crossed the line."

He didn't seem uncomfortable at all. He told me everything was okay. I told him I just need him to tell me there can't be anything between us. I needed that closure to move on. I'm not sure he understood what exactly I wanted him to do or say.

I said to him "Nick, I know you're not gay but I've had some hope to hold on to. You're so genuine and the way you are with me.. You really care about me. You're the first guy that has ignored what people have said to me. The first guy I've ever gotten close with. At school when people would ask us if we were more than friends and we would make a joke that we were and then later I'd ask you if it bothered you and you would say you don't care what people thought about us. That made me so happy to know you liked me for who I was and didn't care about the others.

I am 100% comfortable with you Nick. You are my best friend and I just happened to fall in love with you. I didn't tell you how I felt with intention of you telling me you felt the same way, though there was a lot of hope you would say that, but rather I told you this so I could let it out and hopefully move on from it but still have you in my life. You mean so much to me and you are my best mate and I don't want to lose you. I already feel like we have been drifting and it's killing me. I hoped maybe telling you this could fix whatever there is going wrong between us. So I just need to hear you say that there can never be anything between us. I need to hear that from you so I can stop holding on to false hope"

He said it and I sat there defeated. I wasn't sure if I was happy or sad. we spoke for 2 hours in his car about everything. His dad called him at 1am telling him to come home. he said he'd better go and that for me not to worry that everything was okay.

I got out of the car and headed home. I cried. I woke up the next morning crying. Realizing I had so much love for him and it wasn't reciprocated hurt so much. Later that day I spoke to him online. He told me that he had been thinking about it all and that we needed to talk. I was actually very excited. I thought he was going to tell me that he did in fact have feelings for me.

he started giving some nonsense speech about how he accepts me for who I am. That's when I realised what was about to be said. I begged him not to do it.

He said we couldn't be friends anymore. I got so angry and lashed out at him. After over an hour of fighting/begging/crying we said our goodbyes and I then called a friend and met her at a park close by and cried to her for what seemed a life time.

My life with Nick was over and things just went down hill from there. Another friend of mine leaked to some loud mouth people about me being gay and it spread quite quick. To be honest no one gave me shit about it but it was very stressfull because all this happened during my final year exams. I failed all my subjects.

Now yes it is a bad outcome but things did look up. I was out and finally able to be 100% myself. I made a lot of new friends and things were looking great. Everyone accepted me and the new friends that I made; I saw every day for 6 months [during my end of school holidays] and we are still quite close friends now. They're the last people I would have expected to end up being so close with after school but it proves they are genuine people and love me for who I am.

8 months after graduating high school Nick popped up one day online and said "sup" to me. I wasn't at my computer at the time he sent the I.M. but when I saw it later I almost threw up. My sister was in the room and asked me what was wrong and I told her "Nick just spoke to me!!" and she said "who the hell's Nick." I then replied with "You idiot.. the guy that i was in love with.. I spoke about him to you for the last 8 months"

When I saw the message he wasn't online anymore but I left him an offline message just saying "Hey how are you?" - He returned about an hour later and we started talking. We totally ignored the subject until he said "I guess you're wondering why I re-added you?" which I said yes to. He proceeded to explain that he felt it had been long enough for me to "get over him" I wasn't sure if I should have been offended or what but I let it slide. He continued to explain himself. He told me he just didn't want things to be awkward between us. He wanted us to be mates the same as before but he knew it wouldn't work after what I had told him and so he just needed the time to adjust and since I told him I needed to be able to get over him he felt this was the best way.

Total disregard to the fact that I wanted to kill myself because of everything that happened. He didn't say sorry to me once. He didn't feel he had anything to say sorry for - He was always strange like that and didn't understand how just because he thought he was doing the right thing didn't actually make it the right thing to do.

Now, almost a year after I initially told him how I felt - Nick and I are mates again. We aren't best friends by a long shot but we do talk often, sometimes only once a week but I think that he is keeping me at a distance to keep me from falling for him again. I haven't actually seen him in person for almost a year and I'm not sure if I want to see him in person. To be honest I think the immense feelings will either return or I would just cry seeing him. [I know I cry so much throughout this but I don't usually cry that much at all]

I still sit and hope that one day he will tell me the feelings mutual but I know that won't happen. I have told him that I do still have feelings for him and he understands. I do love him so much but I can say that I'm not in-love with him - Though if he turned around and told me he was gay and had feelings for me I'd be all for a relationship.

In the end the point of telling my story was just to say that yes sometimes, or most the time things do go horribly wrong but you need to stick it out because in the end you will be happy and a better person. Nick changed my life more than I can imagine. I owe so much to him.



If you did end up reading all of that then thank you for taking the time to read it. I hope I somehow helped you out or gave you some sort of insight on what might happen if you are in a similar situation.

Nick.

[Emperor]

That's a really insightful story there, Nick.

Sometimes emotions get the best of us and it doesn't really matter if your crush is straight or not interested or whatever--because those very emotions blind us. I suppose you are as well-acquainted with that as anybody, though...

The way he approached the situation was admittedly pretty crude, however it looks like his intentions ere pretty pure, nor does he seem to be a big homophobe. Sure he's keeping his distance from you, but since you admitted to still having feelings for him you can't really blame him for that. He seems to not want the entire thing to blow up in his face, yet he still wants to be friends with you. He may have heard additional rumors during school too, considering how the fact that you're gay spread pretty quickly. Do you think anything else may have been spread?

Also, I don't think Nick owes you an apology. Unless he was particularly mean about how he said he didn't want to be friends (which you give the impression that he wasn't) with you, it's not his fault he's straight any more than it's your fault you're gay. What would he apologize for? I think overall he was pretty nice to be so open about it and offer you some level of closure. At least he didn't blow up at your face and call you "faggot" or any equivilant.

I hope you do better and school and hopefully learn to control your emotions more in the future. Letting your grades go to hell really isn't worth it...

[15maleGAY]

Originally Posted by Emperor

Sometimes emotions get the best of us and it doesn't really matter if your crush is straight or not interested or whatever--because those very emotions blind us. I suppose you are as well-acquainted with that as anybody, though...

It really is amazing that even though you know something is going to hurt you so much and currently is making you feel horrible you just can't seem to let go of it. Emotions really to blind you. I knew the whole time Nick wasn't gay and yet I still let myself fall for him.

Originally Posted by Emperor

He may have heard additional rumors during school too, considering how the fact that you're gay spread pretty quickly. Do you think anything else may have been spread?

Surely there would have been the usual teenage rumors being spread and the warped stories but I didn't care at all at that point what people thought. When I found out it had gotten out I made it a mission to just straight out tell my friends before they heard it from someone else. I doubt Nick would have listened to any additional rumors being said. He isn't the type of person to get caught up in rumors. Even though we weren't friends he still respected me and kept everything I told him throughout our friendship a secret

Originally Posted by Emperor

Also, I don't think Nick owes you an apology. Unless he was particularly mean about how he said he didn't want to be friends (which you give the impression that he wasn't) with you, it's not his fault he's straight any more than it's your fault you're gay. What would he apologize for? I think overall he was pretty nice to be so open about it and offer you some level of closure. At least he didn't blow up at your face and call you "faggot" or any equivilant.

I debate with myself if I want an apology or if he owes me one. I understand that he did actually take it very well and I was prepared for things to not work out the way I wanted. The thing that I feel needs an apology is that he told me that everything was okay. He reassured me so much that my relationship with him would not change and then the next day for him to come and tell me "oh no, I changed my mind." - I know it would have needed some time to properly process the thought of it all but that was very hard to understand how he could have been so fine about it to instantly change his mind and decide that we couldn't talk again.

He though that by cutting off contact with me 100% would have been beneficial for me but he didn't see what I had to go through for those 8 months. He didn't directly cause that pain but he could have been a better friend and tried to support me through a hard time.

It's clear that I do slightly resent him because of the way everything panned out but he isn't to blame for that.

[SentimentalTune]

That is awesome that you told him, but not that you was not friends anymore. But atleast you made more friends!
But at the end its good that you talk again!
I read the whole thing and cried! Hope you don't fall inlove with him again.

Great story... You could write a book about it!

[AAASAS]

You fucked up.

Why tell a straight guy you love him?

Do you not understand how creepy that would be for him?

Sorry to be harsh, but I don't think you made a proper decision.

Why are you so sad about it?

Ugly people don't cry that they can't get the hottest person of their desire, they learn to deal. Gay people aren't the only that go threw this type of emotion. It's felt by most people, wanting someone you can't have.

[15maleGAY]

Having something like that built up for so long just had to be let out. I was severely depressed before I told him how I felt. There was nothing else I could do. Not telling him was hurting so much. I was prepared to be dropped as a friend and that's what happened. It hurt but if I never told him how I felt I'd still be in the same situation right now; Closeted and depressed. The decision I made to tell him had been so thoroughly thought out. It was no way at all an improper decision.

I am not sad about it now. I wouldn't say I'm 100% happy with how it all turned out but I'm happy that I've been able to get through that part of my life and that he and I are able to put it behind us and I now have nothing to hide from him.

It wasn't just a small crush. The way I felt about him grew immensely through our friendship. During the time I did have those feelings for him I had some reason to believe he may have been gay. It wasn't as simple as "Meh, he's not gay better forget him." He was my best friend before I had further feelings towards him.

Your reply suggests that he was just some random guy that I thought was hot so I went and told him so. It was nothing like that at all.

[Just[a]Plague]

Call me a dick, but you had it coming to you. You can't obsess over your straight best friend like that. You are only 18 and I think you caused way too much heart ache for yourself. I hope people learn from your story.

[Curious Strange]

Oh. My. God.

I really hope this doesn't happen to me..I totally understand what you mean in the sense of false hope. There's this guy I like, but, as far as I know he's straight. I never just up and asked him, but that's not just something you assume about people. Ugh I just need to come out to everyone so nothing like this ever happens to me >_<

O.O right before I pressed submit, he logs into msn...is this a sign? o.o

[15maleGAY]

Originally Posted by Just[a]Plague

Call me a dick, but you had it coming to you. You can't obsess over your straight best friend like that. You are only 18 and I think you caused way too much heart ache for yourself. I hope people learn from your story.

I did cause myself way too much heart ache. I do hope people read my story and reassess their situation if they are in a similar one.

Originally Posted by Curious Strange

O.O right before I pressed submit, he logs into msn...is this a sign? o.o

Haha, I use to take every single thing that would happen to do with Nick as a sign. That again is just false hope. Trying to find a reason to hold on to it. Come out if you feel you are ready but if you aren't then don't just do it.

Asking a guy if he's gay doesn't always make him think you are gay in return. My mates use to say to me "Nick, how come at parties we all try to pick up the chicks and you just make friends with them" clearly asking me if I were gay. I'd just reply with "Because I like someone already."

Why don't you just ask him straight out if he's gay. Ask him during a serious conversation though. Don't just blurt it out randomly. If he says he isn't then don't think that he's just in the closet or in denial. Accept that he isn't.

I asked Nick many times if he was gay before I told him I was and he told me he wasn't - I never took his answer though because when he asked me if I was gay I would also say no. It's such a complicated situation. Having a small crush on a straight guy is fine but don't let it grow as uncontrollable as the way I felt about Nick, you'll be just setting yourself up for a let down.