I keep seeing her.

[totallygay13]

Well my memory came back. my memory of all my moms break downs, I remember all of our fights, all the times her and my dad fought, all the times her mental status sunk to an all new low, the times I broke down because my parents are fighting on my birthday (i know thats kinda selfish) or when my sister protected me from her constant yelling and screaming at the littlest things. i remember all the times she got really sick and altered. I remember all the times I wanted to run away or fight back but knew i couldn't because it would only get my mom more mad or worse, make her more sad. with my memory back, all these extremely clear memorys, I find it ever so more indescribably hard to believe that shes gone. my reoccuring dreams of me murdering her and the look on her face have come back and are stronger than ever. i remember the time she had a seizure as if it was happeneing at this very moment, thats how all my memorys are.

[custodis]

Well. I'd have to say those aren't exactly good memories. But again, at the risk of sounding redundant, it could be a bizarre way of coping, your brain telling yourself that you're better off without her. Was some of what sounded like your mom's mental state part of what contributed to her death? Because if so, it could be a reason why you're remembering it so strongly.

And hey, I know what its like to not get along with a parent, and I definitely know what loss feels like, so if you ever wanna talk, hit me up.

[And?]

You're remembering your mum how she was sometimes, and that's not good for you. There must have been times when she shone through, and your relationship was solid, or when you felt the love you only feel for a mother. Remind yourself of the good times, as well as the bad, otherwise you're going to go up the wall. It's important to remember the bad as well as the good, though, because otherwise you'll lose the memory of who she was, and just have a memory you've fictionalised in your mind. That's not coping. That's repressing.

These thoughts will not persist forever, I can assure you, because as hollow as it is: time is the best healer. If you feel utterly lost, please seek a professional's help: they can help remember your mum for who she was not what she did.

[Uncle Adam.]

I think you really should talk to someone about these memories that you have and perhaps visuals that you are having. Those can become potentially harmful to you especially if you are having difficulty remembering the good things. Have you talked to your family about this?

[totallygay13]

my sister is to busy to talk to anyone really considering she has a baby on the way at 20 no sturdy job and a reluctant boyfriend. my bro is 11 and to immature to have that kind of serious conversation, and my dad is a big old macho man who doesnt believe in therapy or even talking things out plus having no job and barely making ends meet with our money situation hes not a good canidate. the only other family member is my dog...i think you understand what im saying. there is no one in the family to talk to.

[And?]

School counsellor? Friends?