Really depressed

[matty88]

I just feel like my life is getting worse and worse and I am so fed up, ever since I was 13/14 I been depressed, I don't understand why I am starting to think this is genetic because when I should be happy I'm usually not that happy and people have even said to me before that I look like I never have fun, and I really don't. During this summer I said to myself that I would try to change my life so I stopped doing drugs. And my goals were to make friends try to find a girlfriend and for once do well in school. I tried making friends but the first couple weeks I constantly just had panic attacks in most of my classes, thats another thing I started getting panic attacks last year which is fucking awful too. So I tried talking to more people and did better then before and I met this girl who I really liked and I was hanging out with her a lot and we made out and did some other stuff too. Eventually though, she met better people then me (she was new to my school) I think she realised how much of a loser I am. The past 2 weeks she doesnt seem to ever ask me to hang out, so I asked her today.

She didn't seem too interested but said yeah, so I went and were we just watching TV and talking and she went to make food and we were just talking and our conversation kinda sucked, and after awhile she told me she wanted me to leave so I did. This made me feel fucking awful. My confidence was already completely destroyed before this because of how much of a failure I am. The only other girl I tried asking out before she always said she was busy and stuff so I gave up and I felt hurt after that. I don't know if I feel everything more then everyone else cuz I am already so unhappy with my life.

I used to be a major pothead did painkillers like T4's and other shit just to make myself feel better and just to feel good and not shitty. But I stopped and been clean for awhile until these past couple weeks where when I am in a really bad mood I just say fuck it I dont even care anymore and either take a bunch of pain killers and smoke or even as i am writing this I took 5 klonopins I know I shouldn't but I just have too because I don't know what to do and just feel shitty.

I have no friends really at all, I cant sleep anymore it takes me like 30 mins to an hour to fall asleep and wake up probably 15+ times every night unless I do drugs or drink. I am failing almost all my courses at school because I am so fucking stupid and can't even concentrate anymore I'm sad 24/7 and sometimes my mind just races at night when I try to sleep and I dont even know wtf I am thinking about. And recently I get vertigo when I close my eyes and always feel off balance. And basically my whole life has been shitty, I have always been fucking unlucky and stupid. I have had so much shit happen to me and always get compared to my twin sister and other people by my parents I dont even think they like me at all anymore. They dont understand how I feel and they dont even know about the shits that has happened to me, I been bullied before and made fun of, even in high school the first party I ever went to I had some kid off the school hockey team like 2 years older then me and way bigger just basically fucking dry hump me and I couldnt even do anything. I been robbed before with a knife to my throat and some other kid with a gun. I always been really bad at math and I am starting to think i am just retarded in general I always do stupid things and say stupid things. I am fucking pussy too I always flinch and shit and have panic attacks which make me feel like I am going to throw up and just sweat insanely bad.

The worst part is that I was trying to improve my life and it was going well now its worse then ever. I have thought about killing myself before too and now I do even more because I really sometimes don't know if I will ever be happy. Like i see my friends in university they are having tons of fun but I dont know how to have fun I am like almost depressed always and just can't enjoy anything. So like is life really worth living if it's never gonna get better. It's only gonna get worse everyone has such an amazing time but me.

This was a whole lot of venting but I have no one to talk too anymore and just feel like saying fuck everything and just giving up.

[Tabula Rasa]

I just feel like my life is getting worse and worse and I am so fed up, ever since I was 13/14 I been depressed, I don't understand why I am starting to think this is genetic because when I should be happy I'm usually not that happy and people have even said to me before that I look like I never have fun, and I really don't. During this summer I said to myself that I would try to change my life so I stopped doing drugs. And my goals were to make friends try to find a girlfriend and for once do well in school. I tried making friends but the first couple weeks I constantly just had panic attacks in most of my classes, thats another thing I started getting panic attacks last year which is fucking awful too. So I tried talking to more people and did better then before and I met this girl who I really liked and I was hanging out with her a lot and we made out and did some other stuff too. Eventually though, she met better people then me (she was new to my school) I think she realised how much of a loser I am. The past 2 weeks she doesnt seem to ever ask me to hang out, so I asked her today.

Keep trying to be happy. Even if it is not making you feel good or fulfilled right now, keep trying to be active. Learn to fake it, pretend if you have to. The fact that you've been depressed/unhappy for so long, you're not used to feeling good. You need to retrain yourself into feeling happy.

As for the girl, she's not interested. If she's not into you, you can't force her to be. You can find someone else. Try again with someone else.

I used to be a major pothead did painkillers like T4's and other shit just to make myself feel better and just to feel good and not shitty. But I stopped and been clean for awhile until these past couple weeks where when I am in a really bad mood I just say fuck it I dont even care anymore and either take a bunch of pain killers and smoke or even as i am writing this I took 5 klonopins I know I shouldn't but I just have too because I don't know what to do and just feel shitty.

Occasional drug use probably won't hurt you much long term, however using it as your sole form of coping will cause damage. What else are you using other than the Tylenol 4, the pot, and the clonazepam? You don't have to take anything to make yourself feel better, DO NOT let yourself fall into that mindset. Letting yourself become dependent on one thing for comfort is dangerous in itself, even more so that it's drug use. Getting wasted isn't going to help you out, especially if you're doing all of this alone. Your drug use might also contribute to your social isolation, people don't want to associate with someone whose constantly wasted or depressed all the time. They don't like to be brought down. Try to get yourself cleaned up. I'm assuming that with your panic attacks, the clonazepam is necessary, but everything else apparently isn't doing you much good.

Focus on other things to occupy yourself, find another hobby. Writing, playing an instrument, video games, whatever. Find something time consuming and pleasing to take the place of using.

I have no friends really at all, I cant sleep anymore it takes me like 30 mins to an hour to fall asleep and wake up probably 15+ times every night unless I do drugs or drink. I am failing almost all my courses at school because I am so fucking stupid and can't even concentrate anymore I'm sad 24/7 and sometimes my mind just races at night when I try to sleep and I dont even know wtf I am thinking about. And recently I get vertigo when I close my eyes and always feel off balance. And basically my whole life has been shitty, I have always been fucking unlucky and stupid. I have had so much shit happen to me and always get compared to my twin sister and other people by my parents I dont even think they like me at all anymore. They dont understand how I feel and they dont even know about the shits that has happened to me, I been bullied before and made fun of, even in high school the first party I ever went to I had some kid off the school hockey team like 2 years older then me and way bigger just basically fucking dry hump me and I couldnt even do anything. I been robbed before with a knife to my throat and some other kid with a gun. I always been really bad at math and I am starting to think i am just retarded in general I always do stupid things and say stupid things. I am fucking pussy too I always flinch and shit and have panic attacks which make me feel like I am going to throw up and just sweat insanely bad.

You're obviously not stupid. You're asking for help, and doing it in a coherent fashion. Stupid people are ignorant, and you're demonstrating a level of self-awareness most people lack. You recognize your faults, and you're attempting to do something about it. Stupid or "Retarded" people are incapable of taking care of themselves like you are.

The sleep thing, it sounds like what's keeping you up is the thinking. You're worrying about what's wrong, and your anxiety is making it impossible for you to fall asleep. Shreyas, a mod on here posted something excellent about mind clearing exercises. I think that these would be especially helpful in settling your mind enough to help you sleep.

You're not a fucking pussy. You are moving on after dealing with some traumatic events in your life. Having a knife to your throat and a gun pointed at you is traumatizing. It's definitely possible that your depression and your anxiety are related to these events. If you're not already seeing a psychiatrist, I really recommend that you do so. They would be able to assist you way more than I or anyone else on here can.

The worst part is that I was trying to improve my life and it was going well now its worse then ever. I have thought about killing myself before too and now I do even more because I really sometimes don't know if I will ever be happy. Like i see my friends in university they are having tons of fun but I dont know how to have fun I am like almost depressed always and just can't enjoy anything. So like is life really worth living if it's never gonna get better. It's only gonna get worse everyone has such an amazing time but me.

This was a whole lot of venting but I have no one to talk too anymore and just feel like saying fuck everything and just giving up.

Maybe things had to get worse in order for you to realize that you needed to take dramatic actions to make things better. Perhaps you just needed to bottom out. Keep trying to inject yourself into things. Hang out with new people, try new things.

Suicide is definitely not the answer to your problems. Not only are you not solving anything, you would devastate everyone around you. You can't feel good if you're dead, and you can't predict the future. Something amazing could happen to you tomorrow, don't waste the time that you have.

While I really think that talking to people who are physically "there", everyone here is definitely willing to help you right now. If you want us to. Don't be afraid to post what you're thinking here if you need to, and I will definitely try and do my best to listen and respond.

Hope things start getting better.

[Bls752]

You seem like a very nice person to know once you peel back the exterior. I am an insomniac and to make myself go to sleep i do some relaxation. Try getting instremental calming music like Yanni or something chinese. Lay down in the dark, focus on your breathing, imagine a ball of light. Imagine it touching any body part with stress or tension. And relese the tension from them. but always remember to take deep breaths. I find this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUq3tZNJmtw to be really relaxing. You will have the deepest sleep, ever.

[matty88]

Thanks for the replays guys.

Since then, nothing has really gotten better I find I always sometimes start feeling good and then something happens to immediately my attitude changes. If I fail a test, or even when I see or think about girls who I like and how they didn't like me.

Also, I doubt this is normal but Im not sure, during like the day I always like think of things like Il be driving and be thinking to myself if I drive into this wall I could kill myself. Or when I see windows like I wonder if jumping from that height would even kill me. Other times I just think about taking a ton of pills. Probably not normal but I don't know im so confused in my life.

[me]

good for you for venting it out.

seriously.

its important to purge it all out. it just eats your insides and occupies your mind if you dont vent.


now, important item: stopping abuse/dependence on pain killers results in tremendous anxiety. i myself have been both dependent and addicted (two VERY different things) seperately to pain killers. duruing and after detoxing both my boyfriend and i experience debilitating anxiety. i have anxiety anyway, and this just increases it tendfold.


please seek treatment for your anxiety. both cognitive and behavioral therapy are fairly effective in the treatment of anxiety and panic attacks. medication is also helpful, but i urge you to actually be under the care of a psychiatrist because you're not going to have a reliable amount of benzos off teh street.

i also suffer from panic attacks.

what keeps mine in check: facing my issues head on. even if i am surprised by something inducing a panic attack im much less like to have a full one if i dont have a million and one other extremely anxiety provoking issues hanging in a black cloud over my head....


good luck to you buddy, if you need to talk private message me i'm on here every few days to few weeks. would be happy to talk you through some stuff. i have years upon years of experience.