My life doesn't feel as good as it should..

[Wolfwood683]

I'm in college and I love it! I have a pretty good amount of friends there from my high school, and already made new ones. But, I'm on the road to failing my Math class and I already know I'm failing English. It's just really hard for me to adapt, and I feel uneasy and like shit when I know I'm going to fail...it sucks.

I can now hear my parents talking about me. They make fun of me because I'm not really a huge people person, so I don't go out with friends much. They say I have no friends and that I'm a retarded loser because I don't have a girlfriend and my cousins do. That is NEVER going to happen because I'm gay. My parents found a suicide note I wrote my sophomore year of high school describing how I want to kill myself because I'm gay, and my mom sobbed and didn't eat for weeks, while my dad threatened to kill me, kick me out of the house, and tell me that nobody in my entire family will love me if I'm gay. My mom made me burn the note in the sink with her watching. It was the most horrible and awkward moment of my entire life, having my mom make me burn away my feelings, who I am. My little 11 year old sister already talks about how gay people are weird and stupid, I see my parents teachings are coming along. So, I somehow convinced both my parents that I was just "curious" of the gay porn I would look it, and that I liked girls.

Basically, my life as I used to know it changed completely after my mom found that stupid note in my coat pocket, and it just feels like shit. How can I ever be happy knowing that my family will never love me?

[Bobby]

unfortunately, that's something you may have to move past. In time, you will find people that love you. While no one will ever take the place of your parents, they may come over in time. Don't get too hung up on them. Try talking to them. Now that you live on your own, send them holiday cards to show you're not completely gone and that you're open to a relationship with them.

[sean]

Like Bobby said, if your parents don't accept you right now for being gay, they might in the future. Your mom especially, feels a biological connection to you. Send them Christmas/birthday cards, show you still love them. My guess is that they'll first blame you, then themselves, then gradually accept it. Parents can't stop themselves from loving their children, no matter what.

[Neverender]

You know, I really do understand what it's like to be in a crappy situations with parent(s). And clearly your life doesn't feel good because you've been carrying around all of this hurt from the emotional abuse of your parents. I suggest counseling.

I also think that now that you're an adult, you have more power as your own individual, and I think that we just have to leave those other people to their feelings for a while and come back to it later. At the end of the day, you're still you, and the only way you're going to be happy is if you go forward and make your own life. You are in college, you're making friends. While it's difficult to adjust to change, you are creating forward momentum, and objects in motion tend to stay in motion. So keep forging ahead, and try not to look back at everything too much.

Just do what you gotta do for you. And don't compromise for others because they're afraid. Just live it, show them when they're ready.

[Avery]

there are some cases i'm not saying it will happen to you and sorry if it makes you feel worse but anyway there are some cases where the parents just fully abandon their kid for making "that" choice but you have to show them you aren't any different than you were before she found that note

[Tabula Rasa]

College is your time to go out and be yourself, from what I hear anyways. However, based on your post, it seems that you're still living at home with your parents... Try your hardest to get out soon. If you're being forced to lie about who you are to your family, then it is not a good environment. It's just going to bring you down further. A parent's love for their child should never, ever, be conditional. I know what it is like to have to lie to your family about your sexuality. My step-father once found gay porn on my computer, and I was in my face for hours. My mother called my father and blamed him for my alleged homosexuality, saying that if he had been there, I would not have turned out a "failure". Then I just started lying to them, saying that I had stumbled onto it by accident and then just went ahead and looked at it because I was curious about it. My lie was further cemented by my serialized relationships with girls. Lots and Lots of girls.

I hate lying. I'm unbelievably good at it, and incredibly manipulative. But I hate lying. If I can't be blunt and uncomfortably straightforward, I feel awkward.

errr... /end rant.

I'm going to go ahead and assume that you're not financially independent, and that you still need your parents to help cover your expenses for living, as well as college tuition. This sucks, because you're probably going to have to remain in the closet for the most part. At least around them.

Work on becoming more independent. Get a job and start saving money. Don't go out all the time, don't buy more than what you need to. Save Save Save. If you're living at home, I'm assuming you're not paying any bills and that all your money is going to you. Just, save it. Be extremely frugal.

If you have any close friends at school, and if you feel comfortable with it, you could come out to them. It might help take some of the load off of your chest, and perhaps even give you some kind of support system. You could also tell them that you don't feel the need to be public about it, but having just a few people to talk it over with really helps things. Think like... this site, but with actual living, breathing people. Whoo.

Unless you're going to an ultra-conservative Jay-sus preachin' college, there's bound to be a few gay-related clubs on campus. You could think about joining one of them. That way, you're not only joining a large group of people sympathetic to your situation, but the chances of you finding a guy you like exponentially increase. *winks*

About the failing classes bit, you don't seem like a complete idiot. So i'm going to assume that it's not that the material is too hard, but that you've got a lot on your mind at the moment. Switching from High School life to College life sounds pretty fucking major from what I've heard. Just focus on the benefits of college vs high school. More freedom, less "busy" assignments, no ones going to bitch at you if you skive off a class or two... and so on.

If life starts to seem really fucking rough again, don't turn to suicide. Or even suicidal gestures. Get help if you need it. See a therapist, a counselour, whatever. I'm pretty sure all of us on gov are supportive of you, or at least I am.

I hope things start to work out better for you. I'm hear to talk if you need me.