My friend and Drugs

[BlazerBoy]

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the length but I had to get all the facts in...

I have a friend "E" (no pun intended) and we have been friends for 2 years now. Well he started smoking cigarettes back in July when I went away to Europe for two weeks. I was shocked when I came back to see him with this new group of low-life teenagers and not the normal neighborhood group we always hang out with. It had made things kinda awkward between us because I became good friends with him and bunch of other kids cause none of them were into drinking or smoking.

But anyways, a few weeks went by and we both got our licenses and things were doing ok. Now that he had his license he was everywhere with this new group of kids. Always driving them places and hanging out with them.

Well, one night I decided to tag along with them just to see how things went. Well a few of them decided to light up a joint full of weed so I was like I'm out of here. On my way to my truck my friend E came up to me and asked if that made me uncomfortable and I told him Yes it does. I asked him if he's tried it and he said "I smoke it." So I flat out told him that he doesn't need to be doing that and that this is not the "E" that I know and the "E" that I am friends with is better than that. I told him about my other friend Kelly and how she ruined her life. (She was another good friend of mine who I tired to help but she just got herself into some deep stuff like heroine and cocaine.) "E" told me that he wasn't going to end up like her and that this going to lead to anything else but that was not the first time I heard that.


He saw how disappointed and upset I was and when I talked to him a few days later he thanked me for talking with him and he said he doesn't want to loose me as a friend and that he gave up weed that night and now he trying to quite smoking too.

"E's" parents asked me what I though about these new kids because they were a little suspicious and I told them that I don't really like them and that they aren't the best influence yadda yadda but I didn't tell them about the weed or cigarretts. Both of his parents are smokers too btw.

Things have still been very awkward between us since then. For the past 2 months he has still been hanging around with those kids and I know that he was at a party with them and got drunk and smoked weed. I feel like I can't trust him anymore.

I was talking with one of my other friends tonight, one who used to hang out with "E" and I back before these new kids and he told me that he was was with "E" and some "new" kids and they were all smoking weed. I don't know what to do? Do I let him do want he wants or do I go to his parents? Do I confront him again? He really is a good friend and I don't want to loose him like I did my other friend.

[Bobby]

First, Congratulations. You apparently mean a lot to 'E.' He could have gone down a much worse path with his life, but you have helped him stop that. Stick with him and help him. He may be a big bitch for a while as he goes through the stages of quitting, you just have to tolerate it and be patient. Keep in mind the low lifes may come up to him and try to get him back, be the good friend and step in (verbally) and tell them to leave 'E' alone. He will be easily swayed back if you don't help him in that scenario. I think anyone would like to have a friend like you looking out for him or her. Continue being a great friend and you won't have trouble making them.

[BlazerBoy]

I think he still is going down that track behind my back. Like tonight, we were both at a Halloween party having fun with a lot of people from school and he kept saying he's not staying long cause he's going over to "B's" house. He left me high and dry there without telling me and went to "B's" house. "B" is a friend who hangs out with all of those low-lives and was kinda a gateway to introducing them to "E." I think "E" is doing some stuff behind my back.

[MeanMeanMachine]

I think it's great that you care about your friend's wellbeing so much. That's a good thing, but at the end of the day your friend has his own mind and can make his own decisions. I know you don't want him to head down the wrong path because your past experience with your other friend. If I were you I'd go to him and tell him again how I felt. Let him know that you do care for him and you just don't want to see his life go down the drain like your other friend. Give him a chance and if he doesn't listen to that then give him an ultimatum - tell him to stop hanging out with those kids or you'll go to his parents and see what he says then.

[David]

Damn. What is up with you people?

Weed is not the best thing to be doing, but if one of my friends reacted like this over my smoking weed, they would no longer be my friend and I'd consider myself the better for it. No, I don't consider drugs more important than friends, but I do consider it of the utmost importance that my friends aren't preachy and overly concerned about sticking their nose where it doesn't belong.

And if a friend of mine called my parents over it? That would earn them my undying enmity. Get this in your head, and get it there fast: your personal beliefs on this issue are one thing. Forcing those views on your friend is quite another. If you don't like smoking (tobacco or weed), and you can't be friends with someone who does, then I guess you need to find yourself another friend. But I don't think you have any right to take action further than that. It's his life, not yours, and from the sounds of it he's not even doing anything seriously detrimental at the moment. Yes, this would be a different story if he were a heroin junkie or something, but he's not.

And yeah, he probably is still doing it behind your back, because it's ridiculous that you're making the choice between him smoking weed with other friends and being at all friends with you. I would do the same thing in his position, and if I were called out on it, that would be the end of our friendship.

You're going to have to learn in life that not everyone shares the same moral views as you on every single thing, and if you attempt to make such views a sticking point in your relationship, you will likely lose in the end.

[Doggy Style]

Damn. What is up with you people?

Weed is not the best thing to be doing, but if one of my friends reacted like this over my smoking weed, they would no longer be my friend and I'd consider myself the better for it. No, I don't consider drugs more important than friends, but I do consider it of the utmost importance that my friends aren't preachy and overly concerned about sticking their nose where it doesn't belong.

And if a friend of mine called my parents over it? That would earn them my undying enmity. Get this in your head, and get it there fast: your personal beliefs on this issue are one thing. Forcing those views on your friend is quite another. If you don't like smoking (tobacco or weed), and you can't be friends with someone who does, then I guess you need to find yourself another friend. But I don't think you have any right to take action further than that. It's his life, not yours, and from the sounds of it he's not even doing anything seriously detrimental at the moment. Yes, this would be a different story if he were a heroin junkie or something, but he's not.

And yeah, he probably is still doing it behind your back, because it's ridiculous that you're making the choice between him smoking weed with other friends and being at all friends with you. I would do the same thing in his position, and if I were called out on it, that would be the end of our friendship.

You're going to have to learn in life that not everyone shares the same moral views as you on every single thing, and if you attempt to make such views a sticking point in your relationship, you will likely lose in the end.

God David you are soooooo right on... Thank the lord. That had to be said..... Ugh.... I hate people like that that think you have to agree with me or else you are wrong.

[Silver Lining]

Wow, blazerboy, a lot of issues here.

Alright, first thing is that it really is over the line for you to try to tell him what he cannot or can do with his life. You're not an authority figure, and in one sense, it's none of your business.

In another very real, and meaningful sense, it is kind of your business. He's your friend and you want what's best for him. You also don't want to be exposed to those sort of things.

The good thing is that he seems to be dedicated to you and you to him. This enables you two to work out the difficulties and hopefully continue being friends.

The very first thing I would suggest you do is talk about what things you are okay with being around. You are very within your rights to say "I don't like secondhand smoke, and marijuana and alcohol are illegal (at least for people our age) and I don't want to be exposed to that kind of risk. I really don't want to be around that." This does not limit his life and his choices, but does limit the things you can do together. That is not at all over the line; you have absolute sovereignty over what you choose to be exposed to. It will mean that certain activities you two are unable to enjoy together, but that's what you want, now, isn't it? Your friendship was not built on a common enjoyment of these things (in fact, almost the opposite), so this shouldn't be a big issue.

Now, if you're concerned that what he is doing is bad for his physical, mental, or emotional health or is creating a legal, family, or academic problem, I suggest you talk to him as a friend and explain why you feel this may be the case. Explain to him that you're not trying to control his life but only wanting what's best for him and that you think he may be doing himself harm. An intelligent and thoughtful person who is a true friend should listen to those carefully and ponder seriously the direction in which his life is headed.

Next issue: if the above two AREN'T the case, and you just don't want him to smoke or drink because you don't like it, then I don't think you really have a case. It's his life, not yours. If you can't agree to disagree on this, you risk losing what sounds like a caring and healthy friendship, which is hard to find at any age, but especially hard as a teenager. I strongly suggest you do not do this. I believe quality compromises are available, but ultimately, this is between you and him.

Last thing, it is very shaky ground talking to his parents. I realize they contacted you, not vice versa, and that makes it more of a fair thing to say, and you didn't reveal too much, which was smart, but his parents shouldn't have put you in that situation. You shouldn't be used as a spy in his life to give evidence to his parents. Of course, I understand their desire that he make wise choices and their need for as much information as possible, but they did not think about the tough position that put you in, methinks. I think your saying "They're not a good influence" and little more was probably wise. I would NOT go out of my way to talk to his parents unless extreme danger to him is imminent, and smoking pot on the weekend does not qualify as this, in my opinion.

Alright, I hope I didn't leave anything out, and I do hope you two can come to some compromises and see eye to eye on these issues. It sounds like you have a positive and healthy friendship. Please don't let it go to waste.

[PINCHY]

Your overreacting. Weed isn't healthy for you in excess, but hey not many things are.

As was stated above, your going to find that in life people will differ with your views and you cannot just force yours upon others and make them feel inadequate.

[DoBesh]

Tell him you will always be there for him. Don't try to stop him, just tell him you do not agree with the way he likes to live. You are not overreacting, because even though I can legally smoke weed and use some drugs in my awesome country I do agree with you that it shouldn't be done. Do not try too hard to get him back on track again. It's his life.

Be honest to him, tell him you do not like his behaviour, make sure you will be there for him when needed, but don't force him to change his attitude, because you can't.

[love.emmie]

It´s very nice of you to be concerned over your friend, since many wouldn´t have even bothered to try to help, but I hate to say this... weed isn´t that big a deal. It is if he´s constantly smoking it and it´s effecting other aspects of his life like grades or motivation or something, but occasionally smoking weed is not something to get worked up over as his friend. From how you started off I assumed a crack pipe was gonna get pulled out or something. If anything, his smoking (cigarettes) addiction is more concerning and more of a threat to his long-term health.
I definitely wouldn´t go to his parents over this. Just leave him alone about what he chooses to do and if that means you can´t be friends anymore, well then so be it. Just remember that not everyone who smokes weed now and again is going to end up like the friend of yours who ruined her life.

[Troy]

Damn. What is up with you people?

Weed is not the best thing to be doing, but if one of my friends reacted like this over my smoking weed, they would no longer be my friend and I'd consider myself the better for it. No, I don't consider drugs more important than friends, but I do consider it of the utmost importance that my friends aren't preachy and overly concerned about sticking their nose where it doesn't belong.

And if a friend of mine called my parents over it? That would earn them my undying enmity. Get this in your head, and get it there fast: your personal beliefs on this issue are one thing. Forcing those views on your friend is quite another. If you don't like smoking (tobacco or weed), and you can't be friends with someone who does, then I guess you need to find yourself another friend. But I don't think you have any right to take action further than that. It's his life, not yours, and from the sounds of it he's not even doing anything seriously detrimental at the moment. Yes, this would be a different story if he were a heroin junkie or something, but he's not.

And yeah, he probably is still doing it behind your back, because it's ridiculous that you're making the choice between him smoking weed with other friends and being at all friends with you. I would do the same thing in his position, and if I were called out on it, that would be the end of our friendship.

You're going to have to learn in life that not everyone shares the same moral views as you on every single thing, and if you attempt to make such views a sticking point in your relationship, you will likely lose in the end.

So you just became my hero

[BabyCarrotz]

It's cool that you are looking out for your friend, but I think you are overreacting. Most of my friends and I smoke weed occasionally and we're all productive people who get good grades and lead healthy lives. There is no proven correlation between smoking weed and doing other hallucinogens and doing hard drugs.

[BabyCarrotz]

So you just became my hero

very true

[Braxton]

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the length but I had to get all the facts in...

I have a friend "E" (no pun intended) and we have been friends for 2 years now. Well he started smoking cigarettes back in July when I went away to Europe for two weeks. I was shocked when I came back to see him with this new group of low-life teenagers and not the normal neighborhood group we always hang out with. It had made things kinda awkward between us because I became good friends with him and bunch of other kids cause none of them were into drinking or smoking.

But anyways, a few weeks went by and we both got our licenses and things were doing ok. Now that he had his license he was everywhere with this new group of kids. Always driving them places and hanging out with them.

Well, one night I decided to tag along with them just to see how things went. Well a few of them decided to light up a joint full of weed so I was like I'm out of here. On my way to my truck my friend E came up to me and asked if that made me uncomfortable and I told him Yes it does. I asked him if he's tried it and he said "I smoke it." So I flat out told him that he doesn't need to be doing that and that this is not the "E" that I know and the "E" that I am friends with is better than that. I told him about my other friend Kelly and how she ruined her life. (She was another good friend of mine who I tired to help but she just got herself into some deep stuff like heroine and cocaine.) "E" told me that he wasn't going to end up like her and that this going to lead to anything else but that was not the first time I heard that.


He saw how disappointed and upset I was and when I talked to him a few days later he thanked me for talking with him and he said he doesn't want to loose me as a friend and that he gave up weed that night and now he trying to quite smoking too.

"E's" parents asked me what I though about these new kids because they were a little suspicious and I told them that I don't really like them and that they aren't the best influence yadda yadda but I didn't tell them about the weed or cigarretts. Both of his parents are smokers too btw.

Things have still been very awkward between us since then. For the past 2 months he has still been hanging around with those kids and I know that he was at a party with them and got drunk and smoked weed. I feel like I can't trust him anymore.

I was talking with one of my other friends tonight, one who used to hang out with "E" and I back before these new kids and he told me that he was was with "E" and some "new" kids and they were all smoking weed. I don't know what to do? Do I let him do want he wants or do I go to his parents? Do I confront him again? He really is a good friend and I don't want to loose him like I did my other friend.

I am going to be in the minority here and agree with your actions thus far. My view is the fundamental issue here is not so much the "weed" but rather how your friend has gotten into a bad crowd and is doing things to prove his self worth even though it seems that you both come from a background where doing such things may not be the best idea. Clearly you are very sensitive to any sort of drug no matter what it is as it is clear that some folks you have known did not know their limits and are not the people who they once were. I believe your problem is that your friend's new crowd is becoming a wedge between you both, and you don't want to loose him as a friend. I respect that, and I know that most folks would not want to loose a friend especially if they have had cordial relations for a while. My guess is that you two thought a lot alike even with regards to drugs, and perhaps your friend's behaviour is really out of character as best as you have known him? I am sure it is very disconcerting to see someone who you thought you knew become someone totally different. As a result, your feelings and reactions are normal.

It hurts a lot to see a friend with whom you knew for a while and most likely is a person with whom you grew up to suddenly go into a different crowd and no longer be interested with you. I can tell you that it is the worst feeling in the world to suddenly be replaced or be obselete and no longer valued in the same way you were. Because of free will the fact of the matter is that your friend has the ultimate choice on what he wants to do. You have done your part by making your feelings known and letting him know how you feel. Now it is up to your friend to assess your friendship with him and to see whether his new group of friends or you are most important. If your friend is not treating you with respect or courtesy anymore, then you will have no choice but to back away as there is nothing you can do to change his mind at this point.

I know that you care about your friend and do not want to see him end up like your other friend. Putting aside the debate about the risks of marijuana I believe we need to focus on your fundamental issue: keeping your friend. Unfortunately, I think your friend is becoming a different person, and if you are not comfortable with who he is becoming, then you have to gradually let him go. At this point I would not try to lecture him on drug use or smoking as it is clear you are having no effect on him. Especially with your friends being smokers it is going to be hard to convince your friend that doing anything related to smoking including drug use is not bad. All you can do is try to be the same friend you were to him prior to this new group of kids coming around. If your friend cannot accept you in that way, then you have no choice but to respect his wishes and move on.

While you should not go out of your way to report your friend's behaviour to his parents you still have an obligation to be honest with them if they do ask you what is going on. Hopefully, your friend is just sowing his wild oats, but if he is going down the wrong path, then it is his parents' responsibility to set limits on him. It is the parents' job to get as much information as possible and to decide whether or not what they hear is bad or good. All you can do is tell the truth and not just part of it. Again, if the parents approach you, then you should be frank and forthright as they would not be doing so if they had a wonderful relationship with your friend. Parents want the best for their kids, and they will do anything and everything to ensure their kids are all right. If your friend finds out that you talked to his parents and he stops interacting with you, then so be it if that keeps him safe. Again, it is his parents' responsibility to analyze the information and make judgments accordingly. What you should do is be honest as I am sure you would want your friend to do the same if you were really in trouble.

Finally, you need to try to ascertain the roots of why your friend started hanging out with these kids in the first place. For example, did he feel like he was a nerd and that now he is important being with these kids? Does this new group provide him something that you and your other friends did not provide him? Did your friend suffer some trauma recently at home or in his personal life for him to seek affection and companionship elsewhere?

You seem like a good friend, and never stop being compassionate and caring. Sometimes the best way you can care for someone is to let them go especially if they don't reciprocate your care and concern.

I sincerely hope things work out for you.

[_sunshine]

Damn. What is up with you people?

Weed is not the best thing to be doing, but if one of my friends reacted like this over my smoking weed, they would no longer be my friend and I'd consider myself the better for it. No, I don't consider drugs more important than friends, but I do consider it of the utmost importance that my friends aren't preachy and overly concerned about sticking their nose where it doesn't belong.

And if a friend of mine called my parents over it? That would earn them my undying enmity. Get this in your head, and get it there fast: your personal beliefs on this issue are one thing. Forcing those views on your friend is quite another. If you don't like smoking (tobacco or weed), and you can't be friends with someone who does, then I guess you need to find yourself another friend. But I don't think you have any right to take action further than that. It's his life, not yours, and from the sounds of it he's not even doing anything seriously detrimental at the moment. Yes, this would be a different story if he were a heroin junkie or something, but he's not.

And yeah, he probably is still doing it behind your back, because it's ridiculous that you're making the choice between him smoking weed with other friends and being at all friends with you. I would do the same thing in his position, and if I were called out on it, that would be the end of our friendship.

You're going to have to learn in life that not everyone shares the same moral views as you on every single thing, and if you attempt to make such views a sticking point in your relationship, you will likely lose in the end.

Everything i was going to say, i'm pretty sure you have it right there. ^^

Smoking weed doesn't make you a 'junkie' or a 'bad kid'.
And expecting for your friend to just drop all their 'low life' friends and stop smoking for you is a little bit ridiculous.
Just because you have a friend that smokes doesn't mean you have to.
Live and let live.