Seriously, that my problem.
First off, yeah, I'm new here. Just signed up. Why? 'Cause I want some help. I may or may not get any, and either way it probably doesn't matter, something'll happen and I'll snap out of it. But here I am, anyways. Perhaps more for the self-therapy of explaining what's going on to myself. But any help or advice you can offer is much appreciated.
Before I truly begin, I would like to point out that I am in no way suicidal, nor do I cause any physical abuse, pain, or mutilation of any form to myself. I am self-destructive in less-noticeable ways, such as pushing others away, and isolating myself.
That's as good a place as any to start. My name is Garrett, and I happen to be, in the truest sense of the word, socially retarded. I mean this in the dictionary definition, as to retard means to hinder, to slow, but not to stop. I can function within the social world to a degree, but I am not good with other people. I don't get along with most others, probably because I am too serious. When the only people I've spent time around for the last six or seven years have been my family, I tend to take things seriously. Simply put, I'm too uptight.
This is my problem, I end up taking things too seriously. And the few people I ever manage to call my friends happen to discover this slightly too late. I end up losing them, because I took them too seriously. Or, there are the people who I can't consider friends, because I know they're never serious. I may talk to them off and on, and BS with them, but I can't trust them, and I don't give a crap about them.
I lose more friends than I make, it seems, sometimes. I know that's not possible, but sometimes I just feel so hopeless about it all. And when I start to lose friends, I have a reflex to push everyone away, so that they don't walk away from me, too. I turn to stone, and no one wants to be around me anymore, I'm so distant I might as well be gone. So I lose a few friends, and then I lose them all. Then, eventually, I make a few. And then it begins again.
So perhaps I should just not care for others. You might say "Just lighten up, man, don't be so serious." But, that's like telling a wolf it shouldn't eat meat. It's how I live, it's how I've always lived, and while I could survive differently, I would have to change at the very core of my being, and that kind of change comes at a great price.
I'm seventeen, but I'm taking classes at the local community college to get my high-school diploma. Before that, I was homeschooled. I was pulled from public schools after third grade, because I was pasting stuff to paper, instead of learning. So my parents decided they could do a better job. When I got to CC, I thought it'd be better, I thought I'd enjoy a more serious environment. How wrong I was, no one there is serious, and the few that are, are like me, and don't socialize. At all. Ever. So I'm stuck back where I began, alone and tired.
So here I am, surrounded by people who even admit that I can't take them seriously. People who claim to care, yet still admit that I can't trust them fully. And here I stand, without an answer, just as when I began. The only course of action I can see is the one I have taken before, and it leads to a place I don't want to be. Eventually, it'll take me to a fork in the road. Either I can continue to be isolated, or I can come back to where I began, and neither idea is very pleasant. I've been isolated long enough, and I've been here for far too long.
Perhaps I'm just blind to myself, moreso than I am to others. Perhaps I just simply can't accept that I should just be alone. Perhaps I'm too stupid to realize that I can't rely on others to be anything but what they are, and everyone is either an asshat, a dumbass, or too distant to reach.
But, I've said enough here. If typing this much has not helped, I doubt another hundred, or even another thousand words, will bring any light upon my situation. To the few that will read this, thank you for your time, although I'm sure it was wasted.
Hmm, perhaps that's my problem, I'm too negative.
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Originally Posted by mx250
