Not sure what to think

[Zean]

Hi, i've been going through some stuff i'm not sure what to think about. I found this forum a while back and i remembered this section, so i thought i'd share here.

My family used to live in a really nice house, had some nice stuff, we were happy. Unofrtunatly, once the economy started getting bad my dad pretty much lost his job as a Real Estate agent, and we basically became poor. Around that time some things started to happen that really just made a lot of tension between the family. My little sister said she's suicidal, i think she's doing it just to get attention, not that that's not a problem also, however she did show us some scars from cutting herself. My mom and dad have have been fighting alot. First, it was about money. Then it was because my dad stopped going to meeting-i think that's what they are called in english(we're Jehovas Witnesses) because he's working like all day. Now it's because my mom thinks my dad is cheating on her. As Jehova's Witnesses i didn't think she could get a divorce, but i heard her say on the phone that she was told by the....not sure what they're called in english....the guys that basically run the stuff at the Kingdom Hall we go to, that she could get a divorce under the right circumstances.

I've also been fighting with my mom. I can barely stand her, and i'm sure she feels the same way. It mostly started when she caught me watching gay porn, she went crazy and then just stopped talking to me, except when she told me she didn't want to see me anymore and that i should just leave. That hurt me but i thought it was stupid to run away and that maybe she was just overreacting. Shortly after, a guy who gives me a bible study encouraged me to get baptized if i feel up to it. I like him, he's like a second father to me, so i told him i would think about it. I talked to my dad, who was much more supportive than my mom, and i told him i was just curious when i was watching the porn, and i told him i wanted to get baptized. The truth is i really don't know what i'm interested in, so i couldn't say what i really felt about the porn. Anyway, after a few weeks i was approved to be baptized, but i didn't tell my mom. She was gonna be on vacation during the date of my baptism, and she only found out when someone came up to me while i was standing next to her to congratulate me. I did not really stick to the way a baptized person should be, i did everything required, and some things not, when i was around people of my religion or at a meeting, but i like however i want when i'm not near anyone i know from the religion. I really don't know what to think about the religion. To tell the truth, i do love it, i love the people who are always so nice, i love the bliefs that make so much sense to me at least, but i keep going against the rules. My mom and i have been constantly fighting since then, well maybe not constantly but 95% of the time we talk to each other it's to argue about something. One of the reason we argue is because i'm a germaphobe and she's.....a pig. She cleans up and hates a messy house, but she does some stuff that's so filthy(ex.not washing her hands..........like ever....unless she's making food) We also fight about personal stuff, like i say i should be able to have some control over my little sister since A.i'm older B.my dad is usally never here and C.she's too lazy to do anything unless it affects her personally. My mom, howwever, says i have no control over her and to let her handle it. Frankly, i'm not willing to spend 5 hours going "mom...tell her to take the dog for a walk, it's HER turn!" only to have her finally go "oh you know the dog likes you better, just take her yourself." I want my dog to go for a walk, and i would take her myself, but after taking her when it was my turn, i expect my sister to take her. However she stays glued to her chair and says it doesn't matter that it's her turn.

I never really thought about this stuff too much, yeah it made me angry but i don't really know what to feel. I just ignored it. Last Sunday at about the time of the meeting, my dad called saying he was free(for the first time in like forever) and wanted to take us to the movie theater. I wanted to go to the meeting, but i thought the movie theater would also be fun, so i said sure. When my mom got home and found out she went ballistic. She told my sister she wasn't going while i was waiting in the car with my dad, and when i went to see what was taking her so long, my mom looked at me and said "Why did you say yes if you knew it today there was going to be a meeting? Do you really think what your Dad is doing is right? He doesn't live here, and he isn't a good person." I just looked at her angrily and went back to the car, i told my dad that my mom was taking my sister to the meeting, so he went to get her. We went to the movie theater, and i went to see Gamer. It made me feel horrible inside, I kept thinking "i ditched the meeting to come watch porn and people being slaughtered." I didn't have a problem with this before, but that day i felt horrible. Usually at night i stay awake 2-4 hours after i want to go to sleep, most of the time just thinking about stuff. The night we went to the movies, i felt even worse. I kept thinking of all the stuff that happened since around the time of my baptism, and i really just felt like shit. I thought, i shouldn't feel , i was thinking in my head that what was happening had no effect on me. I couldn't understand what i felt, because it's not easy for me to understand my feelings. I ignore most things, and i laugh or smile when something bad happens. I don't think that's a very bad thing, but i thought maybe it can be, since i'm ognoring what happens and pretend it's ok. A few days after my mom found me in her room doing homework on the computer, and she told me to get out. She said "you wanna be with your father? Go be with him then. Go burn in the lake of fire with him along with Satan." Again, i laughed it off, but it made me cry inside.

I don't understand what to think. I like my religion, but i constantly disobey it. I love my dad, but i don't know what to think about him now. Sometimes i think i'm straight or bi, and other times i think i'm just gay. I feel so depressed and confused.



i realize this is a lot to read, sorry for that. I don't really know who else to tell about my problems besides you people, since i have only 1 friend, and we see each other so rarely in real life that we're pretty much just friends on the internet, but i don't feel comfortable telling him all this stuff. Plus, i wouldn't want to tell him, or anyone else i know, about certain stuff, like that i'm confused about sexuality.

[loganjlr]

From reading this, I have to say I'm sorry that you are going through this, this is a lot to handle for a 15 year old obviously. Second, from reading this, your mother seems to be religious to the point of going overboard. I'm not saying your mother is a bad person, but I think from what I've read, she uses her religion to back her own anger, to somehow justify what she's saying and doing. On the subject of your situation with your dad and mom fighting, I suggest you should try to leave those two alone. Trying and/or yelling at them to make sense of their selves won't help at all. People tend to lose who they truly are when they are angry, you start to see emotions you really wouldn't expect to see from them at all. On the terms of your younger sister, I understand that you care about her deeply, and even though you said she doesn't do much, she'll eventually learn independence if you let her be. About the last line about being confused about your sexuality, don't worry at all, because so many teen boys are going through the exact same thing, trying to find themselves. Me included. If you ask me, I'm not worried at all what I'll turn out to be, because I'll be the same person no matter what, my personality really isn't gonna change, and that's what matters. Other than that, I truly send ya my best wishes.