Test Results, July 31st.

[Tabula Rasa]

I'm not going to be getting any sleep tonight. Tomorrow, (according to Labcorp at least) I should be contacted by my pediatrician's office about my HIV test results. I'm terrified. I know for a fact that not only am I not going to get any sleep, I also can't go to sleep, because I can't risk sleeping in at all and having my mother answer the phone for me. Not that i'm not going to tell her that I got myself tested or anything, or that I won't tell her in the event that I do have it. I just want to hear, firsthand, and not through her.

I don't know how my life would work if I got the disease. I already have CF, which by itself is pretty severe, but also some other neurological problems that my doctors have yet to really figure everything out. I drink like a fucking fish, and take Vicodin and clonazepam (both of which are prescribed to me) so my liver's really not too great anyways. I'm guessing that it would progress pretty fast for me.

It's not necessarily the death thing thats scary. I mean, ya, it's scary; but for me the worst thing would be the dying. Having to watch myself get progressively worse day in and day out and knowing that it wasn't going to get any better. And, living with myself knowing that I pulled my own trigger would be horrible.

I'm posting this because I haven't told anyone other than the doctor I saw. The labtechs know, only because they were drawing blood for it. But I haven't really told anyone, and I don't know how gonna get through this at all. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Does anyone have any experience of living with AIDS? Firsthand, or having lived with someone else who had it?

[Silver Lining]

First, I have to ask the obvious question: Why do you think you might have HIV? It's normally not something that "just happens" like a cold.

Second of all, you already have CF. No offense, but I think your life is going to require a lot of special medical care, attention, and precautions no matter what the outcome of the HIV test is.

Third of all, I'm truly sorry about both the CF and possible HIV, and I do hope for a negative. It is only to your benefit to be living in the 21st century where modern medicine can ease your suffering and lengthen your life.

I hope you get good news tomorrow.

[Tabula Rasa]

I know it's not something that "just happens"

If you really want to know why i'm getting tested, it's from IV drug use. More specifically, I shot herion. While I was drunk. Extremely Drunk. I let someone I've never met before shoot me up. I don't remember if the needle was clean, and i'm assuming it wasn't.

[kdee]

I don't know how my life would work if I got the disease. I already have CF, which by itself is pretty severe, but also some other neurological problems that my doctors have yet to really figure everything out. I drink like a fucking fish, and take Vicodin and clonazepam (both of which are prescribed to me) so my liver's really not too great anyways. I'm guessing that it would progress pretty fast for me.

Seriously, if it is really as bad as you claim it is, then yes, I would have to agree: You very likely will experience health issues at some point, perhaps the sooner than the later. I hear about people getting into all of this stuff at a young age all the time. But they are all at least 18 or 19 at the very least. Meaning: If you cannot begin to curb your habits like right now, it's only going to get a hell of a lot worse...

[quote]It's not necessarily the death thing thats scary. [quote]

Death, by definition, can not itself cause true fear, since it is completely unknown to anyone who is still living. Rather, the fear associated with death is merely the fear of the unknown. In anycase, however, this fear is still completely legitimate and real.

I mean, ya, it's scary; but for me the worst thing would be the dying.

Not really, because you are going to eventually die some day anyways. The same is obviously true of everyone here. The difference is when you consider HOW you will die, and perhaps WHEN death might end up coming...

Having to watch myself get progressively worse day in and day out and knowing that it wasn't going to get any better. And, living with myself knowing that I pulled my own trigger would be horrible.

I Completely agree.

I'm posting this because I haven't told anyone other than the doctor I saw. The labtechs know, only because they were drawing blood for it. But I haven't really told anyone, and I don't know how gonna get through this at all.

You are posting this because it has become more or less the only available channel for you to communicate your anxiety and fears with another human being ---- and to do so with bringing unwanted reprimand from other people (i.e. Your horrified parents). If you were angry in anyway, this thread would have been more appropriately posted in the Vent Zone, since it would have then fit that board's purpose perfectly....

Either way, it really does not matter though, I suppose....

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Does anyone have any experience of living with AIDS? Firsthand, or having lived with someone else who had it?

I cannot say that I have ever suspected that I had contracted AIDS. However, I, along with many other people here, can probably claim to know what that "OMG-I-Completely-Just-Fucked-Myself-BIGtime" feeling feels like. We have all at some point in our lives made extremely bad decisions that might have resulted in extremely severe and lasting consquences.

[Tabula Rasa]

Seriously, if it is really as bad as you claim it is, then yes, I would have to agree: You very likely will experience health issues at some point, perhaps the sooner than the later. I hear about people getting into all of this stuff at a young age all the time. But they are all at least 18 or 19 at the very least. Meaning: If you cannot begin to curb your habits like right now, it's only going to get a hell of a lot worse...

I know my 'habits' aren't exactly great, and I realize i'm a bit ahead of the usual curve. I do drink more than the average teenager, why? and how? My parent's are pretty inattentive and we generally don't talk much at all. I can also make money pretty easily and have a few people who are willing to buy alcohol for me. I also grew up around people who drink heavily, and have been pretty much immersed in that kind of environment since day 1.

Death, by definition, can not itself cause true fear, since it is completely unknown to anyone who is still living. Rather, the fear associated with death is merely the fear of the unknown. In anycase, however, this fear is still completely legitimate and real.

That's kind of my point. I know that once i'm dead, the fear in it won't really matter.

Not really, because you are going to eventually die some day anyways. The same is obviously true of everyone here. The difference is when you consider HOW you will die, and perhaps WHEN death might end up coming...

You took what I said a bit out of context. I should have been more clear, but I was freaking out. I should have said "The process of dying is what scares me the most." Having to live with myself getting sicker everyday. I know that we're all eventually going to die. But, in most cases, we generally don't have an idea of what's going to happen or when. You can get hit by a bus tomorrow, but would you want to know that today? It's not comforting at all to know that i'm probably going to die of respiratory failure at a relatively young age, and I often wish that I didn't know. I'm also dreading the incredibly long "goodbye" process.

You are posting this because it has become more or less the only available channel for you to communicate your anxiety and fears with another human being ---- and to do so with bringing unwanted reprimand from other people (i.e. Your horrified parents). If you were angry in anyway, this thread would have been more appropriately posted in the Vent Zone, since it would have then fit that board's purpose perfectly....

Either way, it really does not matter though, I suppose....

I wasn't so much angry as I was stressed. This, to me, isn't really a "vent" discussion thing. I'm not having a bad day, i'm dealing with the very possible reality that I may have shortened my already shortened life expectancy by another ten years. I'm dealing with the fact that I may have killed myself. I'm not upset over relationship problems, or not being able to find a job. My parents didn't yell at me or ground me. What I'm dealing with is a bit beyond that.

I cannot say that I have ever suspected that I had contracted AIDS. However, I, along with many other people here, can probably claim to know what that "OMG-I-Completely-Just-Fucked-Myself-BIGtime" feeling feels like. We have all at some point in our lives made extremely bad decisions that might have resulted in extremely severe and lasting consquences.

If you didn't have an answer to the questions I asked, then why did you post? Why did you put forth the effort to condescend me if you really had nothing to say at all? You've not only wasted your time by writing this post, but you've wasted my time when I both read, and commented on it.

[Malevolent]

I wouldn't worry about it too much. The chances that you have been infected aren't huge, but they are there. In the unfortunate case that you are HIV positive, it's possible for you to live for a very, very long time with the proper medication without any changes. If you have the funds, you could start the HAART treatment which is basically a little bit of every HIV/AIDS medication. It's expensive exceeding $10,000 a year and the scheduling is grueling, but the results have been very successful, especially if you caught the virus early and started the treatment as soon as possible. Most people don't have many side effects from the treatment, and most experience a viral load of 0. Just like sexual intercourse, it's not likely of the virus being transmitted the first time around. Some IV drug users go on for years without being infected.

[Tabula Rasa]

I have gone on for years without being infected. I shot up the first time when I was 14. The IV drug use has been a relapsing thing for me.

[Malevolent]

I have gone on for years without being infected. I shot up the first time when I was 14. The IV drug use has been a relapsing thing for me.

Oh, I was under the impression that this was your first time. However, the situation doesn't change much if it's an on and off thing.

[Kevin]

Kdee, if you can't offer any direct advice to the OP, then save us the condescension and go to another thread.

To the OP, the best I can wish you is good luck. I know of a few people who have AIDs, and all I can say is that medical technology has allowed people with AIDs to live longer and prosperous lives. That's not to say that there won't be health complications, but they're getting progressively more menial with advancing technology. Good luck, and we're here to support you, no matter what happens.

[bobzilla]

This is truly sad, please please if you do come up negative (and we all hope you do) take this as chance to change your life, and save it. Stop these behaviours and the drinking, there is still time! You are young and your future's bright!

[Tabula Rasa]

Negative for HIV and Hep C. I'm clean.

[Silver Lining]

Negative for HIV and Hep C. I'm clean.

Yay!

[Ryan:)]

Negative for HIV and Hep C. I'm clean.

*applauds*

But agreed with whoever above said that you should use this as motivation to turn your life around

[Vardøger]

Negative for HIV and Hep C. I'm clean.

I'm glad for you

[bobzilla]

Yes! you have been blessed with a second chance! Please stop the drugs and drinking! come clean!