Vent about life. A good one, perhaps.
I couldn't really think of a place for this to go. It doesn't belong in depression, loss and grief, so I figured I'd post it here.
Being at the beach for a few days with my family has done more than a few things for me. I come down to South Carolina at least 1 time a year, this year we came a second time in the summer as well. Enjoying the time with my family, and having the time to think to myself about all the things that have happened to me in the past 16 years of my life was completely eye opening. Through the love and support of my family, I was able to make it through the years, even though at times I doubted myself.
Between suicide attempts, self harm, hating myself, jumping from clique to clique in school, sleeping away my days, crying to myself for the time that I was too well rested to actually sleep, getting into fights with my parents and wasting away most of my junior high life. I really don't think that there was a single point in time that I didn't hate myself. I was picked on in school, and I kept driving myself down a road of social destruction and self hate.
Picking the wrong friends, friends that didn't show up to school half the time made myself vulnerable to people that clearly didn't think I was as bad-ass as my ego did. I was constantly berated by classmates, and treated people who were nice to me like crap because I thought I was better than them. Looking back at my ego growing up, I am absolutely and utterly disgusted at myself. Even now, as much improved as I am; I hate looking at pictures of my past because it was such an awkward and horrifying time period in my life. I attempted suicide on 3 different occasions, one of them to the point of my heart stopping momentarily in an emergency room after being transported by ambulance. Not until then did my parents realize the extent of my depression.
After they realized, I was ashamed. I hated looking at my parents knowing that I had attempted suicide, and failed. It was another thing that I had failed, in their eyes. I still remember my mom picking me up from school, and driving around town having the most supportive and kind talk with me, finally getting it through my head that I do have a family that cared about me. This conversation with her, and the one that my dad later had with me that night alone was enough to get my head on the right track. My depression almost disappeared overnight, and while I still had problems at school, the communication I had with my parents was so good that I dealt with all my depression in a positive way.
The turning point of life for me, was entering high school. My friend, the one aforementioned that wasn't there for me, had joined football. Being the good follower I was, I joined him. I didn't want to play, but I wanted to further my bad-ass ego. Of course, the friend never came to the first practice. My dad didn't let me quit, and I started to get pretty good at football. I made the starting freshman team, and gained the first ounce of self confidence I think I ever had.
Then, my grandma died. I seriously think that if I didn't have the support of my entire extended family, I would have attempted suicide again. I spiraled back downward again, and mourned for quite a while. To this day, I still think of her vibrant personality, up until her deathbed. It was very unexpected, and it happened over the course of a few weeks. Not even long enough to get a grip on what was going on, it didn't even hit me until a few days afterward.
That ended my first year of high school, which I consider an eye opening experience. Starting my sophomore year, JV football had kicked in and my self confidence got even better. Weightlifting for football had made me get significantly bigger, and I was carefree. I haven't had problems in school at all, save the odd issue with a peer. My entire sophomore year, I didn't have a problem. I got a job at the beginning of the year at a restaurant that was owned by a close family friend. I started dishwashing, then cooked for a while, and then eventually became a waiter. I'm still a server at that same restaurant. I'm holding up 40 hours a week when I don't take any days off, and it's satisfying for me.
The purpose of this horribly long post, is that I'm grateful that I've made it through everything that's happened. I'm looking forward to getting my permit on my 16th birthday, and I've never been more understanding of the phrase "Never wish your life away". I don't know what it is, but I've thought about this the entire time while I've been sitting on the beach, and I just thank god that I'm still around. I count my blessings every day I'm not buried next to my grandmother, and that I'm able to live life to it's fullest. I now have a great number of friends, and my family has never been closer and more supportive of me. I have a fantastic nephew that I love watching mature and grow, and I'm looking forward to every day of my future.
I had to get that off my chest. I'm feeling particularly nostalgic tonight. Don't read it if you don't want to
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That's quite a turnaround.
Originally Posted by James
