Finally told a best friend
So the first 3 people I told I told for strategic reasons. The first two I told were friends who I knew were open minded but not people I see on a daily basis.. wasn't sure if I could handle that yet. one has already graduated and one is home for summer. the next person (the first person I told in person) was my best friend in high school, and although he is still a good friend, I only see him a few time a year because we go to school in different areas now.
Well finally I told one of my best friends (of I would have to estimate somewhere around having 5, but it is hard to gauge when you are in a fraternity... I'm pretty close with about 30 guys in that respect) But this guy I told has been my friend since we were 10 and has been my roommate the last 2 years.
Unfortunately I could not do it in person because of where i am.. I tried to call him saturday night but he was out with friends and I didn't want to pull him away from his 4th of july party. But I couldn't not tell him either because that night things were getting kind of rough again. So I sent him a letter
MY LETTER
Travis,
I have written and rewritten this letter a hundred times and it never comes out the same way… some things are just hard to say. I wanted to tell you in person but could never bring myself to do so because I was afraid I could lose you as a friend. I have been fighting this for years but, as strong as it may be, denial can only do so much. I fought so hard to try and suppress it, change it, or just simply make it go away because, in all honesty, I don’t want to be like this… I didn’t ask to be gay.
For all the years I fought to suppress it I always imagined I would just find a way to make it work, force myself to be straight. Even then, I always knew that would never work. I knew that I would never be able to make myself fall in love with a woman and that attempting to wouldn’t be fair to me or her and that it could only lead to a life of misery. I have been living with the prospect that I may never experience true love or be entitled to true happiness for a long time. It is an unimaginably horrible thing to live with. The thought that I would never experience love, intimacy, or the comfort that can only be provided by your soul mate, has been tearing me apart for years. I thought about trying harder. I thought about forcing myself into a relationship a few time over the years. I had this obviously deluded expectation and hope and I just wanted to see if it could work but… anytime I came close I would feel horribly guilty that it wouldn’t be fair for the girl involved to unwittingly become part of my own personal experiment of delusion. I always assumed that because I wasn’t effeminate that I couldn’t be gay. I told myself that it was just a phase, curiosity, or hormones but, as long and as hard as I have fought, my internal battle is coming to an end… and I am losing the war. So now I have admitted it. So what!? What do I do now? I don’t know how to handle this and sometimes I doubt that I am strong enough.
Though these past two years have been amazing, I have never truly been happy or able to fully enjoy myself because I always have this weight pulling me down, holding me back. I can’t even tell you how many times on an average day that I hear homosexuality mentioned in a negative light, usually either by my friends or family, people I love. I remember a few years ago my mom told me a story as if it were a joke. Her and my dad were watching the news back in the early 90s and a special report came on about that serial killer who lured young boys into his home and then killed them. My mom said to my dad that she felt so sorry for that man’s parents. “How terrible would it be to have a son who was a serial killer and gay?” she asked. He responded by saying that he would rather have a son who was a serial killer than a son who was a faggot. The thought of coming out to my friends or family often in itself can entice an anxiety attack or emotional breakdown. The idea of some of my friends and possibly family distancing themselves from me is terrifying. I know that in the end my close friends, for the most part, will continue to be so, but I know that not everyone is going to be so accepting. The ones who do stand by me, many of them are still going to view me differently, even if it is only subconsciously. If this comes out it is going to define me for other people whether or not I decide to let it define me. It will always be in the back of even my closest friends’ minds. You don’t know what it is like to live in a world where a significant proportion of your fellow countrymen believe that you are despicable, going to hell, and are undeserving of rights. Almost two thirds of Americans feel that homosexuals are not fit to have custody of children or to teach in the public education system.
I don’t want to do this but I know that if I want any real shot at being happy in this life that I have no other options. I’m tired of sitting around feeling sorry for myself wishing things will change when I know full well that they aren’t. I’m not going to waste any more of my life. It’s going to be hard though. I still can barely say “I am gay” aloud. It’s even difficult to do when I am alone. I am ashamed of who I am sometimes but between the depression, the anxiety, and the shame, the emotion I feel most often is anger. I would give anything to be normal. I just want to be happy and live a normal life. I want to get married and have kids. God damn it I don’t want to be a fucking leper! I think about my future and the idea of dating other guys, anniversaries, public affection, and I get furious. I can’t stand the thought of having people looking at me like I’m going to hell every time I want to be affectionate in public. I don’t understand how I can be so conflicted about all this. I refuse to allow myself to see me happy. The anger acts almost as a subconscious shock therapy. I can’t do this anymore because I am on a collision course with disaster. I am reaching my breaking point and know that I am going to have to choose to sink or swim. This is supposed to be the best four years of my life and I am not going to let this pollute that time anymore. If you remember last year, I was drunk every night for the entire month of October. Sometimes that was the only way to make it through the day. I had allowed myself to become so numb as a means of dealing with this. I feel like no one really knows me. I come off as this bitter selfish ass hole but that’s not what I want people to see.
I feel like we are not as close as we used to be and I know that is my fault. I haven’t been the best friend and I know that with all this pain and anger I do occasionally allow myself to turn into this bitter ass hole. It’s hard watching my friends enjoy themselves; watch them go around flirting, dating, falling in love, and finding happiness. I want to be happy for them but sometimes it is difficult not to feel bitter. A while ago I was watching a movie with Wes and Kathryn and they started making out. I sat there pretending to be focused on the movie but really I was breaking down inside, just beneath the surface I was on the verge of collapse as I wondered if I could ever have what they have. I know that as I start to unravel these knots in my life that I will find it easier to be an overall more likeable person. I just hope that the damage wasn’t too much. This past year was rough on me and I know I probably wasn’t the easiest person to live with. I know I pushed you away; it seemed in the fall semester that you hardly even lived in the same room. You lived in Kate and Sara’s room and you did all your reading and studying in the common area and it’s no secret that you wanted to move out, not that I blame you. I want to be a better friend, the friend you deserve and a better person over all. That is why I tried to talk to Kate for you that night. I was tired of not being able to feel happy for other people and I wanted to feel happy for you because I knew you deserved it. Of all the people I know Travis you deserve to find love more than any of them. You are one of my oldest friends Travis and I love you… even if it doesn’t show all the time.
HIS RESPONSE
Josh, I love you too. Know this, homosexuality is not a sin. There is nothing wrong with you. I have known for a while now that you are gay, and I hoped that you would admit it to your self. There is nothing wrong with being gay. I do not see you in any different light because of your sexual orientation. I will always be your friend. I understand it has been tough for you. I could see it in the way you acted. If you want happiness in life, you must be your self. You cannot cover up who you are, or try and decieve your self. Don't worry about our relationship, Josh. I still consider you one of my best friends. I am so happy that you have stopped denying who you are because that is the first step. Now comes the hard part. When you get back to America you need to see a professional, because they will be able to help you better than anyone else. I will get in touch with the gay community at my church, because I know several of them and they have support groups for men and women who are struggling to come out of the closet. Josh, I will insist that you do this. No more pussy footing around. After that, I suggest you tell the house and be strong in your telling. I will stand by you and defend you no matter what. If they are truly your brothers they will stand by you as well. It will not be easy, but once you have done it, I know you will feel great. You cannot worry what other people think. You deserve to be happy, Josh, regardless of whether or not society deems your sexual preference evil or not. You must stop denying. You will have many people to stand with you and help you, but you must reach out and ask for help and accept who you are. The jokes will stop. I will make sure they do. No one will call you a faggot. I will make sure of it. Times are changing, Josh. While many people still believe homosexuals to be dirty and sinful, many more accept and love homosexuals the same as anyone else. You will meet opposition, but so be it. Their opinion doesn't matter. Never allow what other people think of you to get in the way of your existence. We will talk about this more when you get back to the states. For now, relax and enjoy life as much as you can. I am glad you have accepted who you are, now it is time to let the world know. There is nothing wrong with you, Josh. You are who you are, and I love you just the same. The time to take control of your identity and future is now, and I will not allow you to put it off any longer. I am there for you always, Josh, and remember the motto of Pi Kappa Phi, Nothing shall ever tear us asunder. Stay safe.
He was the first person who ever said he already knew. The first 3 were caught of guard, the 4th told me not to jump to conclusions because he didnt believe I was gay.
I have to hand to this guy, thats what best friends are for... although after being friends for 10 years and living with me for 2 i guess he should have known even if I act more str8 than some of my friends who are definitely straight. He told me later that the main reason he knew was because of the drinking, the drunk conversations I would have with him about not being able to feel anything and being incapable of loving someone. He could see something was begging to come out and he saw the anger, the bitterness, the frustration, and the depression. One night he found me on the bathroom floor... I had knocked over all the shelves and was kind of laying tangled in them (yeah there were some low points this year). He said he knew I was lost, scared, angry, and depressed, and was hoping for a while that I would admit it to myself so I could be a happier person.
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Originally Posted by loopii
