The 50 States Of America If They Were Actually People In A Bar. California Is Perfect.
POSTED 2 wks 222 COMMENTS
A recent Reddit post
asked users the following question: “The United States is a bar, what is each State doing and drinking?” Special credit goes to Reddit user motherboy
, who is the individual mastermind behind many of them.
is a fat guy with a goatee, wearing a camo jacket and a trucker hat. Despite his drunkenness and outwards appearance of being a racist redneck, he is actually pretty nice to everyone at the bar. He's drinking a can of Budweiser.
would just be 20 drinks in before even showing up to the bar.
is the bouncer, kicking Mexicans out who are trying to get in from the bar across the street. Ironically, he's drinking Tecate.
is drinking straight whiskey and asking people if they want to arm wrestle to prove how manly they are.
is constantly buying drinks for others, yet has failing kidneys from lack of hydration.
is a beautiful, perfectly athletic couple wearing all Patagonia, drinking craft beer talking about their last mountaineering trip, with an air of aloofness.
is a rich white woman sipping a martini and silently judging all the other states.
is that guy who hangs around the outside of the New York, Pennsylvania, Maryland and New Jersey friend-circle, taking occasional sips from his Yuengling and mostly being ignored, except when New York has to go past him to get to the bar.
is drinking moonshine while riding an alligator through the orange groves to the local Publix.
will be drinking bud light, wearing a UGA trucker hat, tortoise Costa Del Mar sunglasses with croakies, solid colored Polo shirt, questionably short shorts with a UGA belt, and driving a Z71 with a Browning decal in their rear window (even though he only went hunting twice, in Jr High) and a UGA license plate frame. He went to Valdosta State University, and he works in his dad’s local business.
is alone in a corner of the bar, away from the other states, drinking a cocktail from a coconut.
is drinking Keystone Light and pretending they are part of the South.
is a larger gentleman, eating deep dish pizza and drinking a Goose Island. He's reminiscing about the '85 Bears and how "this is the Cubs year".
is in line for the toilet, drinking a Budweiser or a Coors, checking out the ladies and thinking about how bullshit it is that you can't buy alcohol on Sunday.
is sitting next to Illinois, just trying to have someone pay attention to him.
is dressed in a plaid shirt, jeans and clean boots. He's friendly enough and even buys a round to get the party started. After a few drinks, it's obvious he feels sorry for Oklahoma, hates Missouri, and is hung up on Colorado. After striking out with California, him and Wisconsin get hammered drunk and sing Country Boy.
would be drinking bourbon and arguing with anybody who will listen about college basketball.
is celebrating that lack of open container laws by standing outside of the bar with an Abita Amber or a Sazerac and looking disdainfully at the drinking abilities of all of the other states. "Amateurs."
is wearing an L.L. Bean flannel and drinking Allen's Coffee Brandy
is drinking a Chesapeake margarita. Rim lined with Old Bay. He is insisting that everyone try his drink because it's really good if you just give it a chance, but no one else seems to get it.
is in a bar fight with New York over sports.
is drinking some micro brew and playing Euchre while trying to conjure up nice things to say about Detroit.
is a pleasant guy drinking Summit Extra Pale Ale and will happily buy you one. He’s hanging out with his obnoxious brother-in-law North Dakota
even though he doesn't want to but he's too nice to tell them to bug off.
is just looking to start a fight with Alabama about who’s less redneck.
is in a drunken argument with Kansas about who gets custody of their strange in-between child - Kansas City.
has to be two different people. Eastern Montana is a cowboy drinking Budweiser and gets into a fight with Wyoming over sheep vs. cattle, but this happens every week and they make up afterwards. Western Montana, on the other hand, is a hipster/hippie throwback with dreadlocks who drinks craft beer or PBR and absolutely reeks of marijuana.
is a sketchy, middle-aged balding man chain-smoking cigarettes he pulls from his black leather jacket, rolling dice on the bar counter top and drinking whiskey, straight up.
is a skinny, nerdy white guy in a collared shirt and khakis, who also carried in signs for his favorite political candidate. He's drinking craft beer and getting into philosophical and political discussions with Vermont and Maine, but is open to talk to everyone. He is quick to tell everyone he loves himself, and humbly without arrogance.
is a man of Italian/Mediterranean descent wearing a wifebeater and track pants. He's downing jagerbombs and giving people the finger.
is the quirky but good-natured one who is getting a bit too wasted with whatever shots the other states buy them because they can't afford it.
is an Italian businessman, wearing an expensive suit, with a perfect haircut and slicked back hair. He is talking down to New Jersey, like a father talking to a son, and he's drinking scotch.
is an attractive, bubbly blonde girl of average height with a smoky accent, who's just graduated from UNC and has taken a job teaching young kids. She is hanging out with South Carolina and Virginia, and she isn't drinking anything because she just found out she's pregnant.
is an incredibly average white guy, that's not out of shape but not in good shape either. He has his sports hat on of his favorite Ohio sports team and is drinking good beer but nothing fancy. He has a family and works in an office. He can't stop talking about how much he hates himself, but doesn't leave due to his ties there, and would miss his friends if he left.
is an obese couple who have not moved from their spots since sitting down next to Texas. They have on sweatpants, and brought in fast food to eat at the bar. They are drinking Bud Light bottles.
is the hipster drinking the eclectic craft microbrew that nobody's even heard of.
is a cheery, pretty brunette girl with blue eyes, dressed fairly preppy. She's drinking Yuengling and making out with a handful of other states.
is drinking Narragansett pounders and is sitting on phone books on its barstool.
is an overly drunk guy in his mid-twenties, wearing preppy pastel clothes, a sports jacket, and pants with little boats embroidered on them. He is talking about what he is going to do with his family's old money to anyone who listens. He's drinking an Old Fashioned.
is an older, in-shape man with long, straight black hair tied in a pony tail. He looks vaguely Native American and sits at the bar carving various little statuettes out of soapstone. He's wearing a worn leather biker vest and has a colt .45 at his hip, but despite his rough appearance many of his neighbors like Minnesota and Wyoming come over to talk to him and seem to get along quite well, often admiring his handiwork. Other states however don't seem to notice him much, passing him by without a second thought.
is drinking Jack Daniels, and watching Nascar.
is singing karaoke about how great Texas is.
is the designated driver, sipping on water and making sure nobody gets too crazy.
is a guy who brought in his own craft beer from his hometown in Vermont, and stubbornly refuses to try any other beer, but is pretty much friendly to everyone.
is drinking some local craft beer that their friend made at their brewery. They will only talk about all of the fancy craft beer they have drank while complaining about traffic.
is a pale girl, very quiet and reluctant to be friendly to anyone except Oregon. She has glasses and a couple books, and isn't drinking because she's enjoying a cup of coffee she got from her favorite place on the way here. She loves hiking with her boyfriend and watching indie movies and documentaries on Netflix. She suddenly yells at New Jersey for throwing a napkin on the floor and not in the correct recycling bin.
is downin' enough bud light to float a battleship, and talking nostalgically of the days when copper prices were higher.
is drinking New Glarus while eating cheese curds, and is probably about 5-6 beers ahead of everyone else.
would be on the roof with a rifle, muttering conspiracy theories about black helicopters.
Puerto Rico is standing outside staring through the window, wishing it could join the party.
Washington D.C. is the bartender since it's not a state but is essential for the whole thing to keep running. Plus everyone loves it when they need something and hates it when they don't.