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  1. #1
    SilverDream is offline
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    Default Am I just a convenience?


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    Ok just as a disclaimer I've already made 2 posts about the fact that I tend to overanalyze things in my relationship so this very well could just be something I'm reading into too much, feel free to let me know.

    I'm starting to wonder if my boyfriend really enjoys spending time with me or if I'm a "boredom filler" so to speak. I do my best to fit in time with him whenever possible so long as it's not taking me away from important matters {previous obligations, time with my family, etc} thus I make him a fairly high priority. I feel like he doesn't do the same with me. I feel like the only time he wants to hang out is if he's going to be bored because he doesn't have any other plans. Tonight I'm picking him up from school then we're going to KFC before he has to leave for a vball game from the school. I feel like the only reason he "wants to hang out" is because it's a convenience for him to have me pick him up and go out to eat instead of him having to go home, eat, then go back up to the school. I feel this because he says nothing through the week about hanging out {granted I don't like doing that on school nights anyway because the time is shortened}.

    Take this weekend for instance: He has a bball tournament Fri., Sat. and Sun. I'm going along to his vball tournament {which is earlier in the day on Sat.} to see him play and hopefully hang out in between games. I just discovered last night that I won't be able to go to the bball one following because their car is going to be full; I can go only if I drive myself which I shot down real fast due to the fact that it's at a school an hour away~I don't want to waste the gas nor do I feel comfortable driving to an uknown place. I have no problem going the whole weekend with only seeing him at the vball tournament, but I just feel like if I had a similiar situation I would still try to fit him in somehow, and it's like he doesn't care. He's even told me before that he could go 2-3 weeks without seeing me and be fine. I'm glad he's like that to a degree because it means he's not obsessed with me and can find other ways to entertain himself. Still though, it said to me that it means more to me when we hang out than it does him.

    Am I overreacting to all of this? He's only 16 and sometimes I have difficulty in knowing what to chaulk up to his age. Should I try to talk to him about it? If so, is there a best way of presenting the issue?
    ~SilverDream~

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  2. #2
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    Default Re: Am I just a convenience?

    Quote Originally Posted by SilverDream
    Ok just as a disclaimer I've already made 2 posts about the fact that I tend to overanalyze things in my relationship so this very well could just be something I'm reading into too much, feel free to let me know.

    I'm starting to wonder if my boyfriend really enjoys spending time with me or if I'm a "boredom filler" so to speak. I do my best to fit in time with him whenever possible so long as it's not taking me away from important matters {previous obligations, time with my family, etc} thus I make him a fairly high priority. I feel like he doesn't do the same with me. I feel like the only time he wants to hang out is if he's going to be bored because he doesn't have any other plans. Tonight I'm picking him up from school then we're going to KFC before he has to leave for a vball game from the school. I feel like the only reason he "wants to hang out" is because it's a convenience for him to have me pick him up and go out to eat instead of him having to go home, eat, then go back up to the school. I feel this because he says nothing through the week about hanging out {granted I don't like doing that on school nights anyway because the time is shortened}.

    Take this weekend for instance: He has a bball tournament Fri., Sat. and Sun. I'm going along to his vball tournament {which is earlier in the day on Sat.} to see him play and hopefully hang out in between games. I just discovered last night that I won't be able to go to the bball one following because their car is going to be full; I can go only if I drive myself which I shot down real fast due to the fact that it's at a school an hour away~I don't want to waste the gas nor do I feel comfortable driving to an uknown place. I have no problem going the whole weekend with only seeing him at the vball tournament, but I just feel like if I had a similiar situation I would still try to fit him in somehow, and it's like he doesn't care. He's even told me before that he could go 2-3 weeks without seeing me and be fine. I'm glad he's like that to a degree because it means he's not obsessed with me and can find other ways to entertain himself. Still though, it said to me that it means more to me when we hang out than it does him.

    Am I overreacting to all of this? He's only 16 and sometimes I have difficulty in knowing what to chaulk up to his age. Should I try to talk to him about it? If so, is there a best way of presenting the issue?
    How long have you two been datin now...would you say that your both long term or serious yet?

    Before I begin on my opinion, my MUST know this. Please, please...please don't over analyse. The first 8 months of me and my BF's relationship were PERFECT ( in every way possible ) until the pill really kicked in, and I became sensitive to every little detail / comment or behaviour pattern. The more I picked at it, the more it distanced me from the great relationship we had and the more we argued....which was vitually unknown for us before...and yes, its healthy for people to argue every now and then...but not when one person ALWAYS starts it. A small example: We both make fun of unusual features of eachother, like my teeth. I mean, I walk around slagging him all day, and we laugh like mad, as thats how we've been for years. Then one day he called me something which even *I* had been calling myself for years and I took it so hard and went in a huff. I just started looking at every detail and that isn't what makes relationships work. If you argue or something, and he says something that hurt you...please don't take it to heart each and every single time. There isn't a deep meaning behind everything, and if you continue to scrutinise your relationships, in the end, it will finish them.


    I'm so sorry if I sounded harsh, but I know from experience, I'll never forgive myself for going through that phase. Eurgh. BUT, I pulled myself together and am now a much wiser and brighter girl than before, and whatever our relationship throws at us, we handle it well. Like, if we argue, and he says something that pisses me off, I think: Fine, whatever...walk out of the room, calm down, and we both sit down again and talk about it...After all, when we were best friends thats what we done, why should it be any different now? When your in a relationship, everything seems to be so much more offensive than it would be coming from anyone else, why is that? Well, I know why, but thats off topic.

    ANYWAY lol!!

    Ok...does he ever suggest you hang out at his? Does he phone you just to talk? Do you have fun together? I mean, you sound like your reading too much into this, he was probably grateful that you could at LEAST make one game, and if there was no room in his car, he couldn't exactly push someone out that was invited prior so he can take you...and about him saying he wont miss you, please please don't worry, thats just the way it is, honestly. At one point, my BF was grounded. Do you know what I done for 3 weeks? Stayed in my jammies and watched videos. BUT, he was fine, because he had his brother for company and a million video games. He loves me with all his heart, I know that so well, but sit a game in front of that boy and nothing else exists. lol!! And I honestly don't take it personally, its just a funny little thing about him. Its annoying if I'm trying to talk to him and he cant hear me, but really, he doesn't mean it...be glad that your BF is so independant and doesn't rely on you...infact, doesn't this show you that he doesn't use you? After all, if he feels he could go so long on his own, you know hes not just calling you up because hes bored.

    So, when he first told me that for 3 weeks he missed me, ( but obviously not as much as I missed him ) I was so upet, then a few hours later it clicked...well obviously I'd miss him more. I didn't invite any friends round or go out at ALL. I sat in my room sulking for nearly a month. He had a friend to sit and have a laugh with, and he could think of his GF when he wanted a wee boost of happiness. For me on the other hand, I pined for him. We love eachother with all our hearts, but the way we react to seperation is different, its just who we are. And please don't be offended by that, hes not saying it to make you upset, it doesn't mean he loves you ANY less, not at all actually. It just means hes a strong person and doesn't need to see you 24/7.

    Now, I'm really sorry if this answer doesn't really help, but honestly, I can tell your doing exactly what I used to do, and I made my BF life, well, shite, basically with all of the doubts I had.

  3. #3
    Member P[a]radiseFound's Avatar
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    Default Re: Am I just a convenience?

    Yes talk to him.
    I think perhaps it may be an age thing, but if it bothers you, you need to address the issue with him.
    When you think its appropriate ask him how he really feels about you, that sometimes you feel that he takes you for granted and that you're just a convenience to have around and don't get the feeling that you're appreciated type thing.

    Perhaps his feelings aren't that strong, or maybe he's just secure. But I know for a fact and speak for my partner as well, we groan at the thought of being away from each other for a few days, let alone a few weeks.

    Just talk to him, its the only way you'll feel better.
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    Default Re: Am I just a convenience?

    Quote Originally Posted by P[a]radiseFound
    we groan at the thought of being away from each other for a few days, let alone a few weeks.

    Just talk to him, its the only way you'll feel better.
    Yes, it is hard having a break, but thats because you are both attached to eachother....perhaps in this situation, they aren't actually long term..YET, or at that stage where they feel so close. Thats why I gave the speech about over-analysing, JUST incase shes asking for more than he can give right now...

    BUT, I definetely agree about talking about it with him...have you ever even mentioned it to him casually before? I think you should, talking about your feelings for eachother, and spending more time together...and HIM making the effort too...

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Am I just a convenience?

    Quote Originally Posted by irn_bru_yum
    Yes, it is hard having a break, but thats because you are both attached to eachother....perhaps in this situation, they aren't actually long term..YET, or at that stage where they feel so close. Thats why I gave the speech about over-analysing, JUST incase shes asking for more than he can give right now...

    BUT, I definetely agree about talking about it with him...have you ever even mentioned it to him casually before? I think you should, talking about your feelings for eachother, and spending more time together...and HIM making the effort too...
    It was even worse in the beginning of our relationship
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  6. #6
    SilverDream is offline
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    Default Re: Am I just a convenience?

    Just as an add-in, we hit our 8th month on May 9th. To me we're not as serious as most couples simply because he is still in high school so we really can't be. I mean it'll be awhile before we could even talk seriously about moving in together, definite plans for the future, etc. I think sometimes I want to make the relationship more serious but then I realize at his age it's not really fair and I don't want this relationship to be so important that he can't just enjoy high school.

    I'm planning on talking to him tonight, mostly about where I am as a priority. While I don't expect to be #1 really, I feel like my importance fluctuates and I feel that makes the relationship unstable.
    ~SilverDream~

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    Default Re: Am I just a convenience?

    Quote Originally Posted by P[a]radiseFound
    It was even worse in the beginning of our relationship
    Oh God, I know that feeling only too well.

    The reason why I replied so quickly to your view, was because I didn't want Tracy to panic and think: Oh God, HE doesn't feel about me like they felt about eachother, shit...

    Because you and Bill are more mature and looking for a proper relationship. Here, we have a 16 year old boy, not exactly going straight for marriage and kids, but for romance and fun with someone he loves ( I'm gathering ) but hes still a teenager who has many other thigns to do and friends to see, of course he'll be amused for now. Like I said, put a game in front of some boys and they don't know you exist!!

    But we also feel the same way about eachother, but thats only because we're both deeply in love and are those kind of people. Perhaps this boy doesn't feel the need to see anyone in particular a lot, it might just be a part of who he is...

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Am I just a convenience?

    Quote Originally Posted by irn_bru_yum
    Oh God, I know that feeling only too well.

    The reason why I replied so quickly to your view, was because I didn't want Tracy to panic and think: Oh God, HE doesn't feel about me like they felt about eachother, shit...

    Because you and Bill are more mature and looking for a proper relationship. Here, we have a 16 year old boy, not exactly going straight for marriage and kids, but for romance and fun with someone he loves ( I'm gathering ) but hes still a teenager who has many other thigns to do and friends to see, of course he'll be amused for now. Like I said, put a game in front of some boys and they don't know you exist!!

    But we also feel the same way about eachother, but thats only because we're both deeply in love and are those kind of people. Perhaps this boy doesn't feel the need to see anyone in particular a lot, it might just be a part of who he is...
    Yea, which is why I said its most likely an age thing
    Life doesn't have to be perfect
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