I'm So Unhappy With My Life....I Need Help.
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I apologize in advance for the long rant thread...I type pretty fast and when I get on a roll, I can't stop too easily.
I'm incredibly depressed about my life still. I know probably no one cares, but I'm having a really hard time with life at this point. I'm having problems with myself, my family, my friends and relationships, money, and other things. I know that sounds relatively normal for most people, but this is really getting to me....to the point where I cry all the time whenever I'm alone and sometimes even to the point of becoming sick and throwing up.
For starters, I'm hideous. My face looks horrifying: it's red, bumpy, greasy, and scarred all to hell. It disgusts me to the point of wanting to just curl up and die somewhere when I see myself in a mirror. On top of that, my teeth are terrible and when I smile, it looks bad. I have some gappage going on and slight crookedness on the bottom row. These appearance issues have DESTROYED my self-esteem completey, which has take away most of the happiness I used to have about me. Despite all this, I put on a happy face and joke around and try to be social at school and work, but on the inside, I'm shit. I often ask myself, "Why me? Why do I have to look like this? Why can't I just fucking be normal so someone might want to love me?"
Along with the ugliness, I've had to live with a rather bad life since day one. I've always been poor and have never had any friends or girlfriend, and I'm 18. As I've probably bitched about in the past, I'm as old as I am, and I've never even dated or kissed a girl, or even flirted! How could I? I'm hideous! I'm poor and have nothing redeeming about myself. It just can't happen.
I have no friends, really. The only friend I did have outside of work and school who I hung out with on a regular basis has become a royal alcoholic and treats me like shit just because I don't worship Metallica and drink booze all the time. But I don't want to drink...my childhood was ruined by an alcoholic father....I don't want to do that to people I care about-- make them worry about me or avoid me because I'm lost in a world of booze and act like an ass. I've vowed to stay away from cigarettes and booze-- it's just a huge waste of life and money.
And speaking of money, I work and have a job, but it's not uncommon for me to have as little as $5.00 in my savings account. Most of it has to go to insurance or food to feed my dumb ass. I'm a teenager, and I still live with my parents....when I work, I'd like to think it's mostly for saving up as spending or college money...not food money. It's depressing always being broke. But I guess I better get used to it because with my terrible grades, I can't really get into a college, so I'm going to end up just like the rest of my family: failures, living from pay check to pay check, wondering what the hell they're going to do about bills, kids, etc.
And recently I just "broke up" with a girl I was starting to get into a relationship with. I'd known her for years online and we knew just about everything about each other. I loved her because she was so sensitive and intellegent and sweet...it was a long distance thing(if it wasn't, she would have ZERO interest in me. Only girls who've never met me can actually like me), and we set up a date to meet, and I got teddy bears and flowers and everything, but the plan fell through, and later she told me that it just can't work out, even without the distance, because she's so busy with her own problems all the time. After months and months of me getting my hopes up and wanting to this work out somehow, she basically tells me I should forget about her and any chance of a working relationship and that we should just remain friends. She told me this to keep me from continuing to get my hopes up, only to be let down later on down the line, and being crushed.
I feel so rejected and unwanted: by myself, and by everyone around me. I feel that no matter what, I can NOT be happy and content with whatever becomes of my life. Everything seems so pointless. I'm not happy with things at all anymore...a part of me just wants to die, so that I can be relieved of the pain of my past, present, and most-likely bleak future. I'm going to a dermatologist to get face-peeling procedures done to help kill and regenerate skin, which will make scars vanish and make my skin clear up(I'm also taking strong anti-biotics to fight acne, plus I keep my skin clean with Noxzema). And I'm seeing a doctor about getting Lexapro or something for my depression, and I'm even working out and lifting weights to blow off some steam and hopefully make myself feel better about myself, but I'm still hating myself and my life.
I just want to feel loved and be happy with what I do, and as things are now, I don't think that's possible. I don't know what to do or how to feel....what say you? Can anyone here maybe help give me some hope or some advice so I don't have to feel this pain anymore, and I can become a worthy citizen of society and life?
Re: I'm So Unhappy With My Life....I Need Help.
Hang in there...
First off, your self esteem issues. You already have taken a big step with the working out and seeing a doctor and thoings like that. I know for me, running is my getaway and working out blows steam. Aside from anti depressants and things of that nature, speaking to someone will also help.
As for school, don't rush into college. Why not take some time off, maybe balance two jobs, make one strictly for college and the other your spending money and then apply as a mature student (it may be different..im Canadian and I dont know about American schools)
You have already taken some good steps.
Don't worry about the whole having a girlfriend thing, what's the rush? Someone will come along, thats what I keep telling myself
Hang in there, you are a worthy citizen and everyone deserves to live their life. Things aren't going to be handed to you, which I am sure you are aware of, but you gotta keep fighting the battle and things will get better.
Life doesn't have to be perfect
To be wonderful
Re: I'm So Unhappy With My Life....I Need Help.
Hey Jeff - sorry you're having a tough time of it all. (mmm...that sounds alittle inadaquate!). I think its great that despite everything you are taking positive action to try and resolve at least some of your problems, so first of all i will stop and give you a massive pat on the back for that!! All too often people just sit there and wait for the world to change around them (i'm no exception!) so even though i know you're living through hell at the moment, you should give yourself credit for standing up and trying!!
I think you're hitting a vicious circle at the mo. and one you need to take drastic action to get out of. Unfortunately, your skin isn't going to become much better (even with all the best drugs in the world) until you start to feel better on the inside, but you aren't going to feel confident until your skin is better! Annoying isn't it!?
So.....Have you ever travelled at all? Would you be interested in doing it? I know it sounds very drastic but seriously it does make a massive difference to your self-esteem, your perceptions and your self-knowledge as well as getting to know another culture etc. Plus you don't even have to go for too long, you could save up alittle money (yes, i know that is very difficult but you could try and get sponsorship from local businesses - they love the publicity of it all), n look up organisations (even charities!) that arrange all volunteer work, food and accomodation for you. It sounds impossible but it is easier than you think and it really does make the world of difference! You may not have excellent grades but if you can say to colleges "i've been in India for 2 months doing conservation work" (or whatever) they will be more impressed than a person with no experience who has good grades. If you get my drift. Its all about experience. It might not rock your world and provide you with all the answers you're looking for but it'll certainly give you something to aim for, to talk about - it'll give you an adventure!
Okay, i know i have totally gone off on one, but i really think its a good idea. Get out of your rut. Its a hard thing to do, i know, but worth all the pain. Besides what else will you be doing?
Think about it, eh?
ps - sorry this is totally wierd and not what you expected as a reply (but it does help!)
With understanding come to know
what laughing lips will never show
how pain and torturing distress
can masquerade as happiness.
Re: I'm So Unhappy With My Life....I Need Help.
Sorry to hear about ur life. Please read this if you wish. If you dont want to or dont have the time, read the last 3 paragraphs
ABout your face, yes dont worry about it. You can get all taht cleared up within a few years with dermatologist treatment, for ur teeth, get braces. Braces arent that bad as you think. And also, if you find good doctors, dentists, and such, money isnt htat much of a problem. My orthdontist makes me pay 1 for 2 people, me and my brother, and hes really good and nice. So dont worry about that kinda thing. If you keep thinking like that, youre just gonna bury urself deeper into depression.
And feeling rejected. Yes thats VERY painful. And its sad to hear about ur girlfriend and you. But many people dont find true love on their first sight. In fact, its rare these days. Plus, if you really need to, dont be shy to go onto dating websites. It isnt something for loosers and such. Acually its a great way, it takes away the time of searching through each break up after breakup. You can find other girls with the same hobbies, ideas, and entertainment ideas as u.
And friends, do you honestly think theres no one who cares about you? If that were the case, youd probably not be even here today. And friends, they dont have to be the same age, same type of guy, gender and such and such. In fact, im really close friends with my 10 year old neighbor. Hes really funny and he looks up to me (i dont kno why....). And why are you depressed about hte thought of getting friends? Theyll come to you. Plus your 19. When you look at it, youve got a whole life ahead of you. This is just the hard part. It seems ur confused. You dont kno waht job, you think youre loosing friends and people you love.
And you say you had an alcoholic father right? You would know how painful it was. Go to a community help line, you have first hand experience, and offer ur assisstence to talk about to other teenagers. Helping other people WILL make you feel better. It makes you feel proud of yourself, for making differences. And jobs, well there are THOUSANDS of job opportunities. If you dont like the job your doing right now, search for a new job. If you find one which you think you might enjoy, then take it. Plus, for goodness sake, dont take a job you absolutly hate. Thats just gonna make you feel worse. If possible a job you would enjoy is best.
And watever you do, dont EVER give up and say THIS IS USELESS!. Youre at the hardest part of your life, and i kno cause my brother was like this. But now, hes got a great girlfriend, i saw her who is hot and friendly, hes got a good job, a BMW car, and he enjoys his life more than ever. And he wasnt exactly the most prettiest or should i say popular person.
Also, true beauty is in the inside, not the outside. And its a proven fact that more girls are less shallow about looks. So looks nowadays isnt a major factor.
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By anthony1920 in forum Depression, Loss and Grief
Last Post: Oct-23-2003, 01:29 AM