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  1. #1
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    Default I am just completely unsure of what to do with my life


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    I don't come here very regularly but sometimes I just need to vent and get some input from others because well, I really don't have any friends at all. In the past 2 months I have only sent/received texts from two different people. The only time I leave the house really is for work. I am just so unbelievably depressed all the time and I'm so sick of it its been like this ever since I was like 14 and now I'm 19. I been going to my family doctor since I was 16 for depression but I tried several medications and nothing really improved my mood. Then I stopped and during that time I became a real pot head and start doing opiates and stuff like that. Basically, as I have gotten older everything has became worse I started getting panic attacks about a year ago and now take clonzapam for that although it's only .05 mg and I still get anxious and smaller panic attacks with it. Then my doctor referred me to a physicist and he said I was clinically depressed and have a panic disorder so I'm currently taking cymbalta, clonzapam and wellbrutin (for motivation, energy).

    Regardless of all those drugs that I take on a daily basis it still really doesn't improve my attitude due to having no friends, nothing to do aside from work. Even work stresses me out because I am always paranoid I'm going to make mistakes and get fired, it happened with my last job. I'm going to college in the summer which is good yet not what really what I wanted. I wanted to go to university for business and kinda follow what my cousin did because hes pretty successful but I'm just not smart and couldn't do well in school at all I finished with a 50% average so every university I applied too rejected me.

    I really had my mind set on doing better this year but I started off pretty well but I have never had a girl friend and really had a goal of trying to at least meet a girl. So I found a girl who was new to my school, which made it easier for me because she wouldn't know that im a total loser. We hung out for quiet awhile after school and made out a couple times but then she made more friends and probably realized how lame I was and straight up didn't want to hang out with me or even talk to me. And this really made me feel awful, because the first time I ever had a semi-girl friend she ends up not even wanting to talk to me. The night when she told me she didn't want to see me anymore was the night I started a huge drug binge that lasted for over a month, so every morning I would wake up take a bunch of T4's and smoke weed before I went to school and occasionaly abuse my prescribed clonzepam and take other drugs that could get me high from my parents. I don't know if this affected my marks hugely but I just completely ruined my goals and my parents already I know disliked me before but I know for sure they think im nothing more then a drug addicted failure who has no friends.

    I know this is really long but after spending so much time alone and having no one to talk to ever I really needed to vent and I wanted to share some of my past which probably explains some of problems, I have a twin sister who is the complete opposite of me she gets good grades, has a boyfriend has lots of friends, has a better paying job, has way more trust from my parents. Even though, my parents deny it, there's no doubt in my mind they favor her, but how can I blame them considering how worthless I am.

    I don't know what happened in my childhood or if I am genetically just was like destined to fail, but for some reason I never learned how to ride a bike, its so embarrassing but I have no idea what happened but I never learned, and its like wtf, everyone in the fucking world can but me. In grade school and even high school I was bullied and this is what I personally believe created my panic attacks as I always think that people are talking badly about me. I once got invited to a party in high school and it was like one of the worst experiences of my life, I'm a small guy like 5'8 120 pounds (Yet another one of my problems I'm just not hungry and sometimes only eat once or twice a day.) Anyways of course everyone knows each other so I stick out and some big jock decides to literally pick me up throw me down on a staircase and like dry hump me into of everyone. So I already get made fun of/bullied and then this happens infront of everyone, so of course tons of people hear about it. So this is just another shitty fact to add onto my terrible life.

    One thing that has really bothered me my entire life is because I always see people who are either good at sports, school, or something else that they enjoy, they have a talent of some sort. And I hate that phrase that everyone is good at something, because I'm good at fucking nothing at all. And I hate seeing anyone do well, like if everyone else failed a class I was in it would actually make me feel good. School mainly was probably the worst part of my life so far, like I went to summer school 5 times and have no friends and ended up with 50% when it mattered the most.

    Now I'm going to college for a business program that's 2 years that I don't even know if I'm smart enough to do or what kind of job can be obtained with this degree. Although, my worse fear is that I'm going to make no friends and just be completely lonely for more years.

    Over the years I have had lots of suicidal thoughts like I'l be driving and just think about speeding up and crashing into a concrete wall or taking a bunch of pills and OD'ing because honestly, if I am not getting any enjoyment out of living and it just makes me sad and im destined to fail whats the point? It's getting to the point where I'm not even sure what will make me happy or if I could ever be happy.

    Probably the saddest part is that EVERYONE has facebook but I don't just for a couple reasons, because since I have no friends I have not a single picture of myself and so far I have 18 friend requests (pathetic) and they are all mainly guys so I would look so gay, so to save myself from even more social embarrassment I don't use it. But I know for 100% once I go to college people will be like add me on facebook then they will see im a total loser and automatically not wanna be friends with me.

    I know this is a lot of whining but without having anyone to talk too it's just months of compressed thoughts


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  2. #2
    Stoop Kid is offline
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    Default Re: I am just completely unsure of what to do with my life

    While the situation you're in kind of sucks and is certainly undesirable, I only see a few things that you've mentioned that CAN'T be changed. Most of your problems are, in all fairness, in your control. One of the biggest problems that I've noticed is that you over-analyze the hell out of things. You're worried that people will think you're gay because you have 18 friend son Facebook? Dude... if I see somebody who has only a few friends on Facebook, the only thing I assume is that they don't use Facebook very much. You're about to start college, and you're scared people will think you're a loser because you have no Facebook friends? Tell them you just made the account when you moved. Problem solved.

    I think that if you seize the opportunity, your leaving for college could be the best thing to ever happen to you socially. You have to take the first step confidently, though.

    It seems that your insecurities and depression compound on top of each other. Your depression gets worse because your insecurities prevent you from doing things, and then you get more insecure and therefore more depressed, etc. It's a vicious cycle, but you can stop it!

    I've lost my train of thought, but hopefully this is a start

  3. #3
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    Default Re: I am just completely unsure of what to do with my life

    Quote Originally Posted by Sic View Post
    While the situation you're in kind of sucks and is certainly undesirable, I only see a few things that you've mentioned that CAN'T be changed. Most of your problems are, in all fairness, in your control. One of the biggest problems that I've noticed is that you over-analyze the hell out of things. You're worried that people will think you're gay because you have 18 friend son Facebook? Dude... if I see somebody who has only a few friends on Facebook, the only thing I assume is that they don't use Facebook very much. You're about to start college, and you're scared people will think you're a loser because you have no Facebook friends? Tell them you just made the account when you moved. Problem solved.

    I think that if you seize the opportunity, your leaving for college could be the best thing to ever happen to you socially. You have to take the first step confidently, though.

    It seems that your insecurities and depression compound on top of each other. Your depression gets worse because your insecurities prevent you from doing things, and then you get more insecure and therefore more depressed, etc. It's a vicious cycle, but you can stop it!

    I've lost my train of thought, but hopefully this is a start
    I want to really take advantage of it, but I already for see future problems, like taking these medications my roommate and friends will eventually probably find out and IDK if they will want to be friends with someone like me. Also, I have a hard time drinking cuz everytime I do I always get sick cuz of the meds I take and I know it's gonna be expected for me to drink. And I regardless of what people here say most people are gonna think im lame.

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    Sparticus is offline
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    Default Re: I am just completely unsure of what to do with my life

    Who cares if people find out about the medication that you're taking? You don't have to tell that what it's for unless you want to. There's no reason that anyone should feel ashamed about taking a medicine that they need. There's more to college than drinking. You don't need to drink to have fun and to have friends. It's not always expected that you drink and if you don't want to then you don't have to. Find friends that are good enough to not expect you to drink.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: I am just completely unsure of what to do with my life

    It seems like everytime I try to extend myself out to someone and we actually begin talking, the next day it doesn't even seem like they care about me at all.

    This always happens to me I will have a relationship with an another person going well and then they just decide to end it.

    I don't even know if I wanna wake up anymore to just keep feeling the same shit everyday.
    Pills aren't helping me at all, as I have no one at all, to talk too.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: I am just completely unsure of what to do with my life

    I just feel like giving up, I known for years that I have been attracted to guys anyways one night i was talking to a gay friend of mine who I like then asked him if he wanted to go out and he said yes. But, then today he told me he mean't like hang out and be friends...

    Like I seriously don't know what do anymore with my life why do i fucking fail at everything I do?

  7. #7
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    Default Re: I am just completely unsure of what to do with my life

    If you don't have enough friends, where's your Family?
    Friends are not the only source of happiness.

  8. #8
    tyciol is offline
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    Default Re: I am just completely unsure of what to do with my life

    Matt: do you have a chinup bar? Even when shit is rough and I feel like the world's not suited for me, hanging from one of those makes you feel pretty awesome. You literally get a grip and pull your humeri to your chest, your spine lengthens to your airborn feet, it's the best, and it's possible for anyone to achieve with training.

    Quote Originally Posted by matty88 View Post
    I am just so unbelievably depressed all the time
    I understand how it can seem like that. When we are depressed frequently (possibly even MOST of the time) it seems like ALL of the time. It is rarely like that though.

    Quote Originally Posted by matty88 View Post
    as I have gotten older everything has became worse
    EVERYthing? It may be difficult to think about (especially as we have a tendency to ignore our positive traits while depressed) but could there possibly be one thing you could find where something has stayed the same? Or possibly, some area in which you have improved yourself, such as gaining insight, broadening your knowledge of culture, learning a skill, gaining proficiency in something?

    I am noticing by some of your language that all-or-nothing thinking seems to be permeating some of your language. This is something you can learn to observe through study of cognitive behavioural therapy. If you don't want to see a therapist, you can still read a book on the topic. What I'm familiar with and have utilized is those of the "Feeling Good" series written by Dr. David Burns. CBT is an interesting logical approach to dealing with depression and anxiety by analyzing the ideas and how you're looking at things.

    Quote Originally Posted by matty88 View Post
    Regardless of all those drugs that I take on a daily basis it still really doesn't improve my attitude due to having no friends, nothing to do aside from work
    Hm, I know very little about you: but posting on this forum is doing something, and this is aside from your work. Furthermore: I think you do have friends here. Obviously it's not any kind of deep complex friendship, but friendships ALWAYS come in varying degrees. We never know anyone well from the get-go, what happens is that people socialize pleasantly, exchange ideas and strengthen bonds over time.

    This is something that's fun to do in real life too, I understand your desire to do that. It's not something I'm very good at either, but it's always possible if you work on conversation skills, seek out good locations where someone better suited to being your friend could be (like, analyze interests and where those interests are celebrated), and basically work at it, establishing bonds is a complex process. You mentioned having a girlfriend: are romantic partners not a kind of friend?

    Quote Originally Posted by matty88 View Post
    I am always paranoid I'm going to make mistakes and get fired
    Concerns like this have an element of realism. After all, we want to be competent in our jobs. Even so, try to find moments where you free yourself from paranoia. Be observant of when you have successfully accomplished an aspect of your work, acknowledging events like that helps to build confidence.

    Quote Originally Posted by matty88 View Post
    im a total loser.
    This is false. Nobody is a 'total' loser. We can certainly 'lose' when we fail to accomplish certain goals, or when we don't win certain contests. Furthermore, it is true that sometimes there are other people whose lives are generally happier and they accomplish more than us. Being behind the game relative to other people's position does not mean you've lost the game of life though: all lives have futures where circumstances change, and how we act and what we attempt influences this.

    Quote Originally Posted by matty88 View Post
    I just completely ruined my goals
    It is possible to ruin our chances at a short-term goal. Failing an exam when you meant to pass it at that point, for example. It is more difficult to ruin long-term goals though. With long-term goals, there are usually multiple chances and multiple paths to accomplishing them. In the case of academic accomplishment: it's usually possible to re-take a test, or if not, retake the entire course. It's incredibly troublesome of course, but it's a path to the goal, which means the goal is not ruined.

    Ruin is a pretty strong word (not sure I understand 'complete' ruin, is that opposed to 'partial' ruination?) and we should be careful how we use such absolute negative terms. It's such a depressing word after all, unless you're Indiana Jones and exploring it.

    Quote Originally Posted by matty88 View Post
    my parents I know already disliked me before
    You know this? I wish I KNEW when people disliked me, but I never know for sure because I haven't figured out how to be a telepath like Professor X. I often IMAGINE I'm disliked though. After all, sometimes people say things critical of us, perhaps they might even say "I dislike you" but this doesn't always reflect 100% of people's true thoughts. Of course, it is certainly possible to be disliked, but we shouldn't be completely sure of our assessments of others thoughts. Figuring out how we feel from looking at our own thoughts is enough of a challenge!

    Quote Originally Posted by matty88 View Post
    I know for sure they think im nothing more then a drug addicted failure who has no friends.
    Having the skill to know FOR SURE how people think of us would be a pretty amazing ability to have. If I had that power, I would feel pretty powerful and it would make manipulating others sort of easy.

    It is possible that your parents SUSPECT you have no friends (I mean, if you don't meet a friend, you probably won't believe they exist) though I'm not sure why that matters, I doubt most parents hold it against their kids if they have trouble making or sustaining friendships.

    It is possible to think of people as a 'failure' in certain respects: I think most people do have things they attempt and fail at, for example. Some more than others, like for example, some people succeed a lot more and fail less. Everyone is something MORE than a failure though. Stuff we fail at does not wholly define who we are. We are just as much defined by what we attempt (after all, we'd never fail at anything if we never tried to do anything) as well as other issues like our thoughts/opinions/ideas, interests, history, habits, dreams, etc. I know it sounds like a lot of synonyms, but broken down to it, the most defining aspects of people are the aspirations in their brains and the stuff they want.

    It is possible they think of you as a drug addict, perhaps. Even if they did though: that alone isn't exactly a problem. If you're not a drug addict, then you can try to demonstrate your health to them so they won't worry. If you think you might be: then it is possible to work to become healthier and happier and then with some assistance and advisory (I assume you may be seeing a psychiatrist who is prescribing these, most people can't obtain drugs for mental conditions without a doctor's script) it is possible to attempt to wean yourself off of them in the future. Good to have assistance and advice though, since our thinking patterns and emotions can change as we detox.

    I would assume that parents, even if they wish/hope that their child was not using drugs, want them to be happy and remain in this world. If drugs are a way to buy time to do that and seek therapy then I think that's acceptable. At the same time: our thoughts influence our emotions and brain chemistry a lot, so dealing with them directly with talk therapy and self-analysis would be incredibly beneficial.

    Quote Originally Posted by matty88 View Post
    I never learned how to ride a bike, its so embarrassing but I have no idea what happened but I never learned, and its like wtf, everyone in the fucking world can but me.
    I really doubt that, a lot of people NEVER learn to ride a bike. If you've ever watched 'Frasier' you'll see that he and his brother didn't learn, there was a whole episode about that! It's something a lot of people who can't also get embarassed about, so you're not alone.

    Furthermore, while a lot of people learn to ride bikes in their childhood: they stop bicycling. If you go long enough without doing it then eventually your skill in doing it will diminish, often to the point of not being able to do it at all. I know that even though I rode a bike when I was really young, I haven't done it for a long time and I bet I couldn't do it right away.

    Here's the thing about embarassment: it's okay. Embarassment is embarassing, you might blush, you might even get more depressed by it. But that's okay, because it's possible to get past.

    Let's say, hypothetically, you went and bought a bike from some sporting store. You tell the person there "I can't ride a bike, I would like to learn, do you have adult training wheels?"

    OMG training wheels, isn't that for babies? No, it's for people learning to stabilize their weight on a bicycle. It's something to catch the rear wheel if it tilts too far to the side, lessening the likelyhood of spilling all the way over. As you gain proficiency, you move the wheels further up so that they won't touch the ground without a further degree of tilting.

    The whole point is so you can get used to the means of pedaling.

    Heck, since this occurs to you, perhaps on some subconscious level being able to ride a bike is important. This would make a good goal. Warning: it might take a while to build up skill, and you might fall over, and you might even get laughed at. That's fine though: people laugh at me when I go and try to do cartwheels and fail miserably and my shirt falls on my head and stuff.

    Here's some other stuff that might help you prepare for bicycling: one of those immobile exercise bicycles. This could train your pedaling skills. It won't train your balance very well though, so eventually I think you should try to get a bike with training wheels. What you can do though: ride those exercise bicycles without stabilizing by holding the handlebars with your hands. Hold them in the air, with hands overhead is probably the most difficult.

    Heck, you could even hold light handweights!

    That's not a good idea at all if you're riding a real bicycle but it's fine on an exercise machine that's not traveling or falling anywhere.

    The idea there is to learn to stabilize with your torso while your legs are pumping.

    You can also learn to stabilize with your torso when your legs aren't pumping, like while doing a standing overhead ("military") press with dumbbells or barbells. This is a good idea for your health: doing nothing but bicycling actually isn't very health for your hips. The 'hip flexor' muscles get short since you're always bent at the hip. Doing standing exercises helps to stretch them out.

    Another good skill for learning torso stability is running. You can go out walking and if you find some space, start at a light trot/jog and move up to running, perhaps even sprinting. This is really great if you can find a hill to run up, because running up hills gives your legs a better workout but you don't need to move as fast (you go slower running up than simply running forward or down) and there's a minimal risk of falling since when you fall forward it's a much shorter distance to the ground for your hands to catch you.

    Speaking of falling: practise it. Part of the fear of bicycling is the fear of falling. You should practise learning to do a front roll. There are tutorials on the web to do it, it's a fun skill that makes you feel awesome.

    Once you get really competent with rolling and break-falling, you can actually, without riding a bicycle, practise sitting on it and then on purpose, fall sideways off the bicycle and control your fall. Get really good at that and you will gain confidence in the ability to fall without being hurt. Having this confidence will decrease your chances of actually falling when you bicycle. You can progress to pedaling the bike forward a tiny bit at a slow speed and falling like that.

    I'd recommend getting some bicycle pads (like for elbows and knees) as well as a helmet to protect yourself while you do this, and maybe finding a soft terrain like some grass to try it on (first check to make sure there's no broken glass or whatever hidden in it).

    PADS ARE COOL. There are people who mock people who wear pads, but they are *insert pejorative* If you have enough skill/confidence to do stuff without wearing them that's awesome, but it's better to try stuff with pads than not try things at all.

    So I wonder: why are there people who mock people who try to bike/skateboard/rollerblade with pads when there are a bunch of inactive people there sitting on their couches never trying to learn these skills at all? If you had to mock anybody, I would think it would be them!

    The reason is: people have problems, and sometimes, making fun of other people helps to distract from them. People who are thoroughly happy and confident don't need to waste time doing stuff like mocking people for trying stuff or for protecting their health from injuries by wearing protective gear.

    Maybe they're worried that if enough people learn to do what they do, it will make them less unique for being able to do it? So, the best way to make sure very few people learn how to move around in cool ways is to make fun of them for wiping out, wearing gear, looking lame, etc.

    If we keep kindness in our hearts and try to empathize with this tendency for cruelty, we can smile (or maybe "grimace" is a better word) and try regardless.

    Quote Originally Posted by mcihay246 View Post
    where's your Family? Friends are not the only source of happiness.
    Meh, I don't like this suggestion, family's often frustrating and doesn't make us happy. You don't have much control over your family, but you do control what friends you make. Regardless of that though, our happiness comes from our mind. It's possible to have a huge family and collection of friends who care about you and still be miserable, or to be happy when you don't particularly know anybody really well.

    Quote Originally Posted by matty88 View Post
    I known for years that I have been attracted to guys anyways one night i was talking to a gay friend of mine who I like then asked him if he wanted to go out and he said yes. But, then today he told me he mean't like hang out and be friends...
    Ah, I'm glad I used *insert pejorative* instead of calling pad-haters "gay" because maybe people who still associate that word with homosexuality (this is outdated) might get offended, lol.

    Quote Originally Posted by matty88 View Post
    Like I seriously don't know what do anymore with my life why do i fucking fail at everything I do?
    You're getting emo and dramatic here bro: someone wanting to be your friend instead of romantic partner isn't a 'failure'. We don't control how others feel about us. Plus like... if he wants to hang out, that could be the start of a friendship, the thing you were complaining about not having. Since homosexuals sometimes other have other homosexual friends, perhaps he could introduce you to a potential romantic partner in the future.

    If you think logically about this: there's likely some things you have done that you have not failed at. Even if they are easy paltry things that seem lame. But hey, let's hypothetically say you're right (which I doubt) and somebody has failed at eeeeeeeeverything they've done (what an absurd idea) then that doesn't matter: because we can always accomplish things in the future. Hopelessness is illogical, for hopelessness to be logical we would need to know with certainty that it is impossible to succeed.

    Anybody who is certain about that is arrogant and lacks humility: we don't know for certain our own limitations or potential, nor how events will turn out. It especially confuses me how people who think so lowly of their own abilities contradict this by thinking so highly of their capacity to predict the certainty of their failures. The only certain way to not succeed at things is not attempting them. Furthermore, the chances of success can be increased with knowledge and preparation.

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